Onward!

Been home for a few months now, it's been a big adjustment after being gone so long. Contrary to my wishes everyone and everything here at home continued on without me, ha.

I grappled with loneliness in my little utopic bubble in TX and here in GA I grapple with darkness. I see it everywhere. People I love have relationship problems, money problems, health problems. A few people have reached out just because they're having daily migraines and don't know what to do. It's been hard to reconcile and process all that I've learned and been through in the face of so much suffering and pain.

Tyler and I are still adjusting and settling too. We spent a long time apart! I literally moved out then moved back in! We are slowly conquering the cluttered chaos that is our home. It's been freeing to purge so many things. A lot of it is wacky gadgets and tools and medical devices, like my massive oxygen tank or my inversion table or scalp massagers or a dozen different ice packs. Feels good to not need it and get rid of it!

During today's purging, I found a stack of old journals. The oldest one had entries from 2007. I used them as logs to write everyday how I felt emotionally and physically and everything I ate. I truly believed the answer to my ails was simple and right under my nose. I believed it was some random ingredient I was eating everyday that was causing me so much daily pain. So I painstakingly journaled and recorded every symptom and every thing I consumed and then would give it to my doctors, desperate for them to solve the mystery.

My heart broke when I read a note in between all the mindless data I'd written from reading a book on "Conquering Depression". It said, "Depression and suffering exist as a reminder for you to stay close to God." I feel sick just retyping that nonsense. I was so lost, so desperate for answers, chasing my tail around and around in a world of pain. I was seeking answers from people and places that told me I needed to be weak and broken to receive salvation. No wonder I was so sick!

I tore up the pain journals and had a little bonfire out back. I meditated on flowing peace and looking only forward as I watched the little flames eat up the pain filled pages. Felt real good.
 
Last week, I had this minor dull ache in my occipital nerves that traveled up into the center of my head. I kept thinking, "Man, this is a bit annoying, what is this ache?? ... DUH this is a headache! I used to feel much worse than this ALL THE TIME. Holy crap." It was a jarring moment to say the least.

Every year, in August I would be miserable from the summer thunderstorms. We were seriously looking into places to move with milder weather. I remember having headaches that would last for FOUR DAYS. I would wind up at the neurologist's office and get an "infusion" (IV cocktail of 5+ drugs)  then onto to ER where they would give me 6+ more drugs. All of this was in addition to the preventative drugs I would take daily and the Botox injections and nerve blocks and trigger point injections I would receive every 3 months. Makes me shudder. I hate remembering all this.

This past week, we had several thunderstorms come through. I got to sit outside with my dogs and watch them roll on by. One day I even pulled on my galoshes and stomped all over town, running errands in the rain, NBD. One year ago, I used to spend stormy days in my dark house, covered in ice packs, popping pills and drinking slushies to induce brain freezes to numb the pain.

Some progress details: I get colonics locally once a week now. I'm trying to reduce the coffee enemas too to just once a day, based on how I feel. I deal with depression and fatigue now mostly. The weight loss has plateaued since I've been back, I wish my body outside reflected more of how I feel inside but weight loss per se, has never been the priority. I am on NO medication for the first time in...15 years? Wow. That alone is THE victory.

I also got a job, but it hasn't started yet. I'm pretty excited about it.

ONWARD!

Exciting News!

Tentatively going home to Athens the weekend of 4/26! Woohoo!

Tyler bought a plane ticket to come get me and drive Tt & I home. Can't wait.

Hair analysis results

I meant to post this yesterday... More good news, lots of improvement. Hope you can read it...

You can see my previous numbers from the initial test in Oct in the boxes below each column:

March update

Sorry friends and fam about only posting once a month now but there's been little change. 

It's difficult for me to blog because it's painful to force myself to sit and analyze and reflect. It's much easier to allow myself to sink into my monotonous routine and not think. 

I'm in a holding pattern. I feel so unhappy here. I wish so badly I could go home, even for a weekend. I don't know when I'll see Tyler next and I don't know when I'll be done here. 

I'm hoping soon. But nothing definite yet. I dream about that day I'll be told, "You're good to go!" I'll probably jump up and just start running home!

There's no doubt that I'm progressing and the treatments are working and I need to be here for the time being, but I struggle greatly with how endless it feels. 

I'm still detoxing a crazy amount of metal and parasites. It's ridiculous how much crap is coming out. 

I hold on to the undeniable progress I've made. When I came here, I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower, walking was out of the question! Just a little over a year ago, the orthopedist was telling me I would need "multiple fusion surgeries" for the back pain. Now Tomtom and I walk a mile almost everyday WITH HILLS. I was having horrible migraines and cluster headaches EVERYDAY. The ER visits were becoming as frequent as every two weeks. It would take 12 drugs to stop the cluster headache. Now I get a migraine about every 10 days (!). If the pain is bad enough, I will take a half dose of Maxalt and it zaps the headache completely within 20 minutes. Crazy. 

I have weaned off of every drug except gabapentin, which was prescribed by the pain doc for the back pain. I'll be off it within two weeks. I have been wracking my brain, trying to remember a time I was NOT on any daily meds... maybe middle school? 

Huck got to go home to GA this weekend, I'm hoping it will be my turn very soon. Fingers crossed. 

 

Update...

It has taken me a few weeks to get settled into my cozy rural respite but I really love it here. The hills, open space, and quiet are very healing for me. There are very few distractions, so it's very easy for me to stay focused on what I need to do to get well. I love taking walks with Tomtom and seeing so many animals: cows and calves, horses, sheep and lambs, goats and kids, burros, chickens, deer, peacocks, guinea hens, cats, dogs...and Tomtom thinks it's his job to bark at all of them, haha. 

I just had a great weekend with family. My parents came in town for Luke's nursing school pinning ceremony. He's done! I'm so proud of him. 

Tyler came in town for a few days, in between client visits. We were so glad to finally see each other after six rough weeks apart. I was so excited to show him around Boerne. He got me set up with a wifi extender in my apartment so I can get some signal. Yay! Six weeks without wifi has been tough, haha! 

Tuffy died about a week ago. She ran away off the clinic property and a man found her under an overpass one exit east in rough shape. She didn't get hit by a car, they think she ate some kind of poison. It's really sad. She was a furry angel. There were many days I would be crying in my car, unable to get out and walk into the colonic building and she would appear and wait for me to open the car door to pet her. Then I would feel a little better and she would slowly walk me up the hill to the building and wait with me inside and even lay on the floor in the treatment room. I don't know how she knew to appear on those really rough days. It's so sad she's gone. 

I'm really hoping I'm in the home stretch here. I'm very ready to be done and go home! I'm hoping that time is coming soon. 

Luke getting pinned!

Some goats in my neighborhood

Some cute fuzzy burrros 

Hanging with the fam in Boerne

Tyler and Tomtom in Boerne

Nickel LOVED Tyler (this is right after he licked Tyler's arm!)

Bye Tuffy. You will be missed. 

I Moved!

Tomtom and I have moved to the hill country! I am renting a little apartment from another patient at the clinic. She built a small studio apartment in her barn. I have one half of the barn and Nickel, the quarter horse has the other half! 

It's been so nice to have my own space, especially a big bathroom all to myself. I can't wait for Tyler to come visit again because he can stay with me. It's a huge relief to know I won't have to move around from place to place when he comes in town anymore.

My mom was in town for a few days. She was a huge help getting me moved in. 

I've had a tough week. I started purging massive amounts of worms and metal and that makes me feel pretty lousy. I ache, I feel anxious and restless, it can be excruciating. I'm scared of being alone during the big flare ups so I've spent a lot of time just hanging out at the clinic. Tomtom and I take walks or just relax on one of the couches. It's a big relief to have somewhere to go to feel relaxed and safe. Right now, Tomtom and I are sitting outside enjoying the sunset. It's a perfect 60°.

It was very cold here Monday and Tuesday. It got below 20° with the wind chill. I was too cold in the barn apartment so I spent those two nights here at the clinic. Tomtom and I crashed on a couch! It's so nice to have some "normal" south Tx weather and get to enjoy the outdoors!

My mom with Nickel

Tomtom with his new buddies

Loving the view

Happy Holidays!

It's been a great holiday week together! 

We've been staying at Luke and Leanna's apartment while they are in Colorado. 

We've been staying busy going to the clinic almost everyday. 

We went to Waco to spent Christmas with my Grammie, aunt & uncle, cousins and a whole lot of my cousins' kiddos. It was a very merry time with family. 

We ate yummy Korean food last night at a fancy place called Il Song garden. It was a fun date night. 

Tyler is quite the runner now! He is very disciplined with his half marathon training. He has been running out at the clinic property while I have my treatments. He ran 7 miles today, which is about 22 laps around the looped road! I'm so proud of him. 

We've been invited to a poker party for New Year's Eve at Michele's house. Looking forward to saying adios to 2013. Bleh. What a year. 

I've really turned a corner with how much better I am doing. I've noticed a big change in my energy level and how much better my back is doing. I am no longer disabled. I can help carry in all of our stuff when we move from place to place. I can stand and have conversations without my back locking up. Up until today, I have only been able to walk a third of the way around the loop at the clinic. Today I walked a full lap! It's only ~.33 miles but it's still a huge milestone! My energy levels are exponentially greater. I can go and go all day. It's crazy to remember how horribly fatigued I used to be. I am able to travel, it was a big deal for me to make the trip to Waco! It's taken 3 months to get to this point! I take nothing for granted. I was filled with such gratitude to be able to take a 1/3 mile stroll with my Tomtom. There are so many little things I have been too sick to do for years now and I celebrate every little achievement on this road to wellness. 

I'm still detoxing. I still feel like I have a mild flu most of the time. I've had a flare up if headaches this week. I've had a couple nights of insomnia this week. I have pain and soreness in my ribs near my liver. It's all still bearable though. 

We are so grateful for all the support and generous Christmas presents from friends and family. I have my next hyberbaric treatment tomorrow!

Christmas fun with my cousins' kids:

Digging into some yummy kim chi pancake:

Too much food, lol:

Tyler cooling down after his 7 mi run today:

My fortune cookie fortune, very applicable!! Excited to ring in a new year full of positivity and gratitude!

A Miracle

Monday morning, I woke up with a whopper of a headache. The last time I had one of this magnitude was back in September. That headache in September, sent me to the ER and inspired my very first blog post, "Rock Bottom".

Normally when one of those freight train headaches hits, I am in panic. The pain is through the roof, I am pacing, screaming, crying, and banging my head into the wall, trying to interrupt the explosive pain. I scarf down as many drugs as I safely can, desperate to abort the headache. What always happens, is despite all the drugs, I wind up at urgent care or the ER.  Then they give me more drugs and send me home, incredibly hungover and woozy for 3 days. 

Yesterday was different. 

I got up and called Melissa and told her I was in bad shape. I did a coffee enema and took a magnesium bath before driving myself to the clinic. I don't know how I did those things in that much pain. 

When I got to the clinic, I had two colonics and four more coffee enemas. I took a lot of calcium, magnesium, omega oil and potassium. I rested in a dark room with Tomtom all afternoon. They took great care of me and never left me alone. I was terrified I would do something out of painful desperation to hurt myself. 

The headache was gone by 6pm. GONE. I stayed at the clinic for their Monday night meeting at 7 then drove myself home at 9. 

I still can't believe it. It is truly a miracle. They aborted my "unstoppable freight train" cluster headache with minerals, a supplement, enemas and colonics and a lot of faith. I did not take ANY headache medicine. I still can't believe that. 

Luke was standing by to come pick me up at any time and take me to urgent care. At any time, I could have popped a Maxalt or Vicodin or phenergan or Zomig or pentazocine or...... 

Though I was in horrible pain most of the day, something kept me there at the clinic, instead of giving in and going to urgent care. That same intuition kept me from reaching into my purse and begin desperately popping the pills. I have come this far, why would God abandon me now? 

I'm still trying to process what happened Monday. Normally the headache aftermath is full of deep depression and wondering why my life is worth living. This headache's aftermath is one of shock and astonishment. I am finally free. I feel like Edmond Dantes running around on the beach after tunneling out of Chateau d'If. I have been freed from the prison of pain, drugs and doctors. I'm no longer getting sicker and sicker but better. 

Thank you God. 

9 Weeks Done...bam.

I've completed 9 weeks of treatment today! BOOYAH. 

I have been feeling pretty good since Friday, so that's 4 good days in a row. Whoa. Can't believe it. 

I still have fatigue and pain but it's bearable, not excruciating. 

Something that helped me a lot was doing a hyperbaric oxygen treatment on Thursday. The treatment forces oxygen into all of your cells through increased pressure. It promotes healing and helps your body purge toxins and parasites. It took 2 hours and I was under 3 atmospheres (like scuba diving 66 feet under the surface) of pressure. I read and listened to music to pass the time. I plan on having a second session this Thursday. 

I am feeling more and more like myself. Since I am slowly gaining more "good days", I have able to do more things that I enjoy like read and watch movies. It's a very good sign that I am feeling bored more and more! It's a crazy feeling to start living again instead of just coping all of the time. 

I am so so grateful to the friends and family who had to talk me down numerous times over these past 9 hellish weeks. I wanted to quit so badly. I am so glad I didn't :)

I miss home. I miss Athens. I miss my hubby. I miss my Huckledoodle. I miss my friends. It's been hard to be away this festive time of year. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Monday. I hate that we will be apart for the first time on our anniversary. Very good news is Tyler's coming back here for Christmas on the 21st so we can celebrate then. I just keep telling myself, "This is temporary and this is so worth it."

I have been learning from Michele's book and the Monday night meetings at the clinic about how poisoning negative thoughts are. They poison our minds and our bodies. Negative thoughts are as detrimental to my health as the toxic metals I am detoxing! The physical pain literally increases when I entertain negative thoughts. You cannot put new wine into old wine skins (Matt 9:16), it will ruin both! I am changing, being made new and healthy and happy from the inside out, starting with my heart and brain. 

Grateful

So so grateful to have my hubby here and spend Thanksgiving with family. The food was uuuuhhmazing. 

Tomtom was grateful someone left the backyard gate open so he and Mfupi could disappear and go on a deer hunting adventure (and give me a heartattack!). 

Wearing Grandma Taliaferro's apron. Missed her so much today. 

Something to Blog About...

 Ughhhh. Please say a prayer for my back. I'm trying my best to rest and stay out of urgent care. My sciatic nerve is being pinched. There are waves of burning pain shooting down my left leg into my calf. I can't walk or sit. I'm hoping a disc hasn't been re-injured. Hopefully with rest, the inflamation will subside and the nerve will relax. 

  ...Now that I think about it, this could also be the nerve roots detoxing. After I tore two discs a year ago, I had 3 rounds of transforaminal steroid injections to help with the pain. The could be my nerve roots freaking out as they heal. Who knows what else was in those injections besides the steroid??? God, I hope that's what this is...

 Anyway, to help me get around the house and clinic, Luke got me a walker from Walmart. It helps a lot but I feel so embarrassed to shuffle around with it. Guess it's better than being bed ridden. 

  There's a winter storm watch here in S.Tx! So crazy. Here's a pic of Tomtom responding to me telling him it's time to go outside in the freezing rain so he can potty: 

Doing Aiiiight.

So I'm feeling ok. I was all geared up for intestinal WWIII and not much has changed. 

My mood has improved, I still have some swings but not nearly as bad as this past weekend. 

I've had some intestinal cramping today but nothing horrible. 

So...yeah. Haha. A boring blog post is a good sign! So here's a weather report: Winter has arrived in SA! It's 34°! Fahrenheit! Brrrr. 

Tyler arrives on Monday, yay! The 3 of us are staying at a woman's house from church. She doesn't know us, all she knew is we needed somewhere to stay for 8 days so she opened her home. Again I find myself dumbfounded at the generousity of strangers. 

One last random tidbit: I bought a negative ion bracelet at the clinic's health food store on Monday night and all I know is everynight since, I have been sleeping like a baby and when I wake up, my muscles no longer scream at me like I ran an ultra marathon the day prior. Maybe it's a placebo or black magic, but I'm sharing the gospel. If I could, I would buy one for every one of my loved ones, but alas I cannot. If you would like me to buy one for you, please let me know. The clinic store sells them for $40 when they should be selling them for $99 (http://www.endevr.com/products/elite-series-bracelet). OK, the PSA is over ;)

Going to the Mattresses

   I had a colonic today and it helped me to feel a bit better. The depression has improved. I still cry all the time for no reason and then laugh and cry at the same time like I'm insane. The joint and muscle pain is bad but only in my quads, calves, knees and ankles. 

   The clinic calls the crazy emotion fluxes "Parasite Personality" which just means you feel absolutely insane because your body is dumping (purging) dead parasites. I have seen an increase of parasites in my stool over the past few days. So gross. But at least they're dying and getting the heck out of my body. 

(If you have a strong stomach, you can see what the parasites look like here: http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/4179-17824

Or here: http://www.savalli.us/BIO385/Diversity/05.PlatyhelminthesImages/DogTapewormPresL.jpg)

   Today I met with the director, Melissa. She said my urinary and saliva tests continue to show progress and my kidneys and liver are functioning well. It's a mystery as to how or why I am dumping so many parasites because I am not taking anything to detox me. I am only taking some mineral supplements e.g. calcium and potassium. She took me off of anything that would kill and purge parasites weeks ago in repeated efforts to slow down the detoxing because I reacted *too* well and got too sick and was detoxing too fast. 

   My body has its own agenda, it seems. So instead of futilely trying to stop or slow down the detox, Melissa wants to help it, i.e. crank it up. ...gulp... We are going to follow my body's lead and pull out the 'big guns' of supplements to seriously purge these demon worm invaders and toxic metals. Tomorrow I will begin taking vidanga (intestinal worm killing herb from India) and a heavy metal detoxing supplement. I will have 3 straight days of colonic appointments. And I will hold on for dear life for the next 72 hours...

Tough Weekend

I had a difficult weekend. I can't stop crying. I'm very homesick. My skin is crawling. My joints and body ache and ache. I'm paranoid and easily angered and horribly depressed. 

I want to quit. I want this torture to end. 

I had a dream last night that I was back in high school, one month away from graduating. It was a Sunday night and I was gripped with panic, anxiety and this intense dread about simply returning to school on Monday morning. It was so bad, I was trying to find a way out and just quit school all together. I finally said to myself, "You have one month left. You can't quit and throw the entire year away and not graduate. It would be so stupid to stop now!" I felt calmer and more resolved and then I woke up.

I keep telling myself that: IT WOULD BE SO STUPID TO STOP NOW. 

I know it's the truth but I cry and scream and fight to keep going and I still feel horrible. 

Praying and begging for easier days and for whatever is poisoning my body to give up and GET OUT. 

Bye Bye Botox

   Today I was supposed to receive my tenth round of Botox injections. It felt so good to call and tell the neurologists' office that I won't be coming in. I was practically giddy.

   It's like a bad joke: I have been going to that office since 2005 and I got worse and worse and worse under their expert care. It's so freeing to not have to go back to be tortured by those doctors and nurse practitioners. I feel like I've escaped from prison. I feel as free as Andy Dufresne...

   I'm still having bad nerve pain. When I sleep on my back, I wake up with both my arms completely numb so I turn on my side but that causes pain in my hips and back. I suspect all this nerve and muscle pain is my body purging 279 individual Botox injections from the past 27 months. I have also had various nerve blocks, trigger point injections, and 3 rounds of excruciating transforaminal (spine nerve root) injections to reduce back pain from torn discs.

   I have a lot of poisons to purge!

Here's some pics from the past week:

The clinic property is beautiful. 

My lil pumpkin

Tt loves the wind in his hair:

http://instagram.com/p/gmaADXBfBv/

Muy Bueno

   I'm typing this sitting outside in the backyard, enjoying the brisk 65° weather and drinking mint tea. Tomtom is romping around, guarding the yard from pesky squirrels and massive feral cats. It's so nice to sit and enjoy these moments that are no longer polluted with pain. 

   Lots of good news: I completed four weeks (!) of treatment and I have been feeling much better. Some days I wiped and fatigued and some days I feel manic and full of energy. Some days I have moderate headaches and bad nausea. I have been sleeping much better. My appetite has returned. Some days I wake up with anxiety but overall my mood has drastically improved. It's amazing to not be tormented with headaches all day, every day. I'm no longer panicked and terrified to be alone. I no longer suspect the clinic is trying to kill me, lol. 

   Some minorly bad news: Every day, I do have nerve and muscle pain all over my body. Some nights, it keeps me awake. My back pain flares up if I stand too long. 

   Though I'm in pain, I'm able to drive myself to the clinic. I love feeling well enough to hang with my roommates and go to church and go to the clinic's Monday night meeting and meet new people. 

   I had dinner at a woman's house from church who was treated by the clinic about 10 years ago. She had mercury poisoning and was very sick. She's healed now. She works and has a family. 

   As I improve and get better, I have started to think about the future and shudder when I remember the past, especially the very recent past. 

   Someone asked me what specifically I am being treated for at the clinic. I couldn't answer her because when I tried to explain what cluster headaches are and how dangerously excruitiating the pain is, I couldn't get the words out. I began to gag and feel nauseous. It's hard to explain, but I was physically unable to dwell in the nightmarish past, even if for a moment. 

   Though I still have pain and feel lousy, I am no l longer that person. I no longer live in constant fear of the next cluster attack. I am slowly becoming unguarded. I am no longer like a wounded animal, unpredictable and vicious. I no longer spend all day wishing for death. 

   This new person I'm becoming is foreign to me. I haven't dreamed about or planned the future in years. It's exciting and scary. It blows my mind when I realize I'm no longer spending 24 hrs a day overwhelmed and consumed with pain. 

   I'm slightly overwhelmed to try to imagine what I will do with all this new time on my hands! Tyler and I could travel and just do things with friends like normal people do. I could get a job and I could have a family. Seriously mind blowing stuff...

   Tomorrow I have a big dentist appointment to remove half of the mercury (amalgam) fillings in my mouth (the other half will be removed in a second appt in two weeks). I feel a little nervous about it.  Luke's driving me to the dentist and then my cousin Nate is driving me to the clinic later in the evening. I need them to drive me because I'm worried I'll be in rough shape after having a bunch of dental work done. 

   I'm debating on how much to divulge regarding the slew of nasty toxic waste that has been coming out of my body... I will have to think about it some more.

   Thank you for the prayers, calls, texts, cards, emails and encouragement. It seriously lifted me out of a very dark few weeks. 

   Onto month #2! Can't believe it!

Feeling Lousy

I have good moments but most of the time I range from feeling like I have a moderate to severe flu. I shiver and twitch uncontrollably then flush with heat and sweating. It feels like my bones are on fire. My muscles cramp and ache. I had a bad migraine on tues but thankfully the Zomig worked and the migraine subsided. My skin has exploded with weird rashes and red bumps. I took a bath of Clorox bleach, salt & zinc yesterday. That's only the most recent wacky treatment, lol. 

My dad came down from Sat thru Wed and helped me a ton. He drove me everywhere and did "dad things" for me like get my oil changed and new wipers etc. 

My hubby is here now! He's here till Mon. 

We are just hanging out at the clinic for a bit in between hotel checkout and my colonic appt at 4. I feel like my intestines are exploding :( Hopefully this colonic will clear out whatever died inside of me so I can feel better. 

Good and Bad

It has been ROUGH. I have been sicker than a dog. The clinic director finally admitted that this is not normal. She just kept telling me, "Your adrenals are shot. That's why you're so sick." Now they are saying I am detoxing so fast, they are worried about the detox process being detrimental to my body. This clinic prides itself on detoxing people with minimal discomfort but for some reason, for me, it has been hell. Things have gotten so bad, the clinic director AND founder met with me. This is a big deal because the founder no longer treats the clinic's patients because she handed everything over to the director so she could focus on writing and ministry work. 

Through all the pain and violent dry heaving, a lot of good has come. I am trying to focus on all I have to be grateful for as inspired by this video: http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me

Gratitude is life changing. 

I am so grateful I went 6 days without a headache in years. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking care of our "Hurricane Huck". I am so grateful to Grandma Lee for mailing me a heavy juicer. I am so grateful for my roomies who took me, a stranger, in and my little dog. I am so grateful to my bro and sis-in-law for driving me everywhere and helping me get settled and for sitting with me at 3am when I was terrified and hallucinating. I am so grateful for my cousin for driving me to the clinic and taking me grocery shopping. I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who took me in when I was horribly sick and scared to be alone and for driving me to the dentist in rush hour traffic.  I am so grateful to my mom and dad for taking time off to come and take care of me. I am so grateful to my friends and fam whom I miss terribly for the calls, texts, cards and reminding me of what is true and to never give up. 

I am so grateful to my generous sis-in-law who gave Tyler all her freq flier miles so he can come take care of me. 

I am overwhelmed by the support and love. 

I am so grateful for my Superman hubby who mailed me flowers to make me feel more like I am at home. He has been my biggest support and cheerleader. When I wanted to quit, I kept going because I want to get healthy for him. 

This song came on the radio today and made me think of him:

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is something like a mirror
But I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you looking back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song

And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on

So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone

And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home

Just to let you know, you are

You are you are the love of my life <3

Coping

The cleaning frenzy started at 7:30 this A.M. As I wash and scrub all the things, I keep hearing Crazy Eyes' midnight mopping monologue in my head from Orange Is The New Black. 

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt, and I like to clean things. I pretend the dirt is the feelings, and the floor is my mind. That is called coping... You gotta start from the inside out, or else you’ll step on the clean."

Wiped.

I deserve a freakin medal. I have completed 10 days of this torture. Today was my 10th colonic. I have not missed an appointment or treatment and somehow have managed to not drive home and quit. Came pretty close a couple times. 

Snapped this selfie after my colonic and infrared treatment today. For some reason, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror AT ALL these past 10 days. It's been a nightmare and I was probably scared to see the horror on my face. It's hard to see your own face when it's twisted by physical and emotional agony. 

This afternoon I dared to look and was amused and scared by how rough and utterly beaten up I look.

I just want to be able to sleeeeeeeep. I feel irritable and angry. I can't sleep because of nerve pain all over my body. 

I heard this song on the radio while I was "baking" on the infrared heat table and it made me cry:

If it all just happened overnight
You wouldn't know how much it means
If it all just happened overnight
You would never learn to believe in what you cannot see
Oh, what you cannot see. 

Take it a day, a day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Take it a day, a day at a time
No need to hurry, hurry
Take it a day, a day at a time
It won't happen overnight

Have a little faith
Must appreciate
Every single day
Don't give up.

Doing my best to have a little faith and simply not give up.