Something to Blog About...

 Ughhhh. Please say a prayer for my back. I'm trying my best to rest and stay out of urgent care. My sciatic nerve is being pinched. There are waves of burning pain shooting down my left leg into my calf. I can't walk or sit. I'm hoping a disc hasn't been re-injured. Hopefully with rest, the inflamation will subside and the nerve will relax. 

  ...Now that I think about it, this could also be the nerve roots detoxing. After I tore two discs a year ago, I had 3 rounds of transforaminal steroid injections to help with the pain. The could be my nerve roots freaking out as they heal. Who knows what else was in those injections besides the steroid??? God, I hope that's what this is...

 Anyway, to help me get around the house and clinic, Luke got me a walker from Walmart. It helps a lot but I feel so embarrassed to shuffle around with it. Guess it's better than being bed ridden. 

  There's a winter storm watch here in S.Tx! So crazy. Here's a pic of Tomtom responding to me telling him it's time to go outside in the freezing rain so he can potty: 

Doing Aiiiight.

So I'm feeling ok. I was all geared up for intestinal WWIII and not much has changed. 

My mood has improved, I still have some swings but not nearly as bad as this past weekend. 

I've had some intestinal cramping today but nothing horrible. 

So...yeah. Haha. A boring blog post is a good sign! So here's a weather report: Winter has arrived in SA! It's 34°! Fahrenheit! Brrrr. 

Tyler arrives on Monday, yay! The 3 of us are staying at a woman's house from church. She doesn't know us, all she knew is we needed somewhere to stay for 8 days so she opened her home. Again I find myself dumbfounded at the generousity of strangers. 

One last random tidbit: I bought a negative ion bracelet at the clinic's health food store on Monday night and all I know is everynight since, I have been sleeping like a baby and when I wake up, my muscles no longer scream at me like I ran an ultra marathon the day prior. Maybe it's a placebo or black magic, but I'm sharing the gospel. If I could, I would buy one for every one of my loved ones, but alas I cannot. If you would like me to buy one for you, please let me know. The clinic store sells them for $40 when they should be selling them for $99 (http://www.endevr.com/products/elite-series-bracelet). OK, the PSA is over ;)

Going to the Mattresses

   I had a colonic today and it helped me to feel a bit better. The depression has improved. I still cry all the time for no reason and then laugh and cry at the same time like I'm insane. The joint and muscle pain is bad but only in my quads, calves, knees and ankles. 

   The clinic calls the crazy emotion fluxes "Parasite Personality" which just means you feel absolutely insane because your body is dumping (purging) dead parasites. I have seen an increase of parasites in my stool over the past few days. So gross. But at least they're dying and getting the heck out of my body. 

(If you have a strong stomach, you can see what the parasites look like here: http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/4179-17824

Or here: http://www.savalli.us/BIO385/Diversity/05.PlatyhelminthesImages/DogTapewormPresL.jpg)

   Today I met with the director, Melissa. She said my urinary and saliva tests continue to show progress and my kidneys and liver are functioning well. It's a mystery as to how or why I am dumping so many parasites because I am not taking anything to detox me. I am only taking some mineral supplements e.g. calcium and potassium. She took me off of anything that would kill and purge parasites weeks ago in repeated efforts to slow down the detoxing because I reacted *too* well and got too sick and was detoxing too fast. 

   My body has its own agenda, it seems. So instead of futilely trying to stop or slow down the detox, Melissa wants to help it, i.e. crank it up. ...gulp... We are going to follow my body's lead and pull out the 'big guns' of supplements to seriously purge these demon worm invaders and toxic metals. Tomorrow I will begin taking vidanga (intestinal worm killing herb from India) and a heavy metal detoxing supplement. I will have 3 straight days of colonic appointments. And I will hold on for dear life for the next 72 hours...

Tough Weekend

I had a difficult weekend. I can't stop crying. I'm very homesick. My skin is crawling. My joints and body ache and ache. I'm paranoid and easily angered and horribly depressed. 

I want to quit. I want this torture to end. 

I had a dream last night that I was back in high school, one month away from graduating. It was a Sunday night and I was gripped with panic, anxiety and this intense dread about simply returning to school on Monday morning. It was so bad, I was trying to find a way out and just quit school all together. I finally said to myself, "You have one month left. You can't quit and throw the entire year away and not graduate. It would be so stupid to stop now!" I felt calmer and more resolved and then I woke up.

I keep telling myself that: IT WOULD BE SO STUPID TO STOP NOW. 

I know it's the truth but I cry and scream and fight to keep going and I still feel horrible. 

Praying and begging for easier days and for whatever is poisoning my body to give up and GET OUT. 

Bye Bye Botox

   Today I was supposed to receive my tenth round of Botox injections. It felt so good to call and tell the neurologists' office that I won't be coming in. I was practically giddy.

   It's like a bad joke: I have been going to that office since 2005 and I got worse and worse and worse under their expert care. It's so freeing to not have to go back to be tortured by those doctors and nurse practitioners. I feel like I've escaped from prison. I feel as free as Andy Dufresne...

   I'm still having bad nerve pain. When I sleep on my back, I wake up with both my arms completely numb so I turn on my side but that causes pain in my hips and back. I suspect all this nerve and muscle pain is my body purging 279 individual Botox injections from the past 27 months. I have also had various nerve blocks, trigger point injections, and 3 rounds of excruciating transforaminal (spine nerve root) injections to reduce back pain from torn discs.

   I have a lot of poisons to purge!

Here's some pics from the past week:

The clinic property is beautiful. 

My lil pumpkin

Tt loves the wind in his hair:

http://instagram.com/p/gmaADXBfBv/

Muy Bueno

   I'm typing this sitting outside in the backyard, enjoying the brisk 65° weather and drinking mint tea. Tomtom is romping around, guarding the yard from pesky squirrels and massive feral cats. It's so nice to sit and enjoy these moments that are no longer polluted with pain. 

   Lots of good news: I completed four weeks (!) of treatment and I have been feeling much better. Some days I wiped and fatigued and some days I feel manic and full of energy. Some days I have moderate headaches and bad nausea. I have been sleeping much better. My appetite has returned. Some days I wake up with anxiety but overall my mood has drastically improved. It's amazing to not be tormented with headaches all day, every day. I'm no longer panicked and terrified to be alone. I no longer suspect the clinic is trying to kill me, lol. 

   Some minorly bad news: Every day, I do have nerve and muscle pain all over my body. Some nights, it keeps me awake. My back pain flares up if I stand too long. 

   Though I'm in pain, I'm able to drive myself to the clinic. I love feeling well enough to hang with my roommates and go to church and go to the clinic's Monday night meeting and meet new people. 

   I had dinner at a woman's house from church who was treated by the clinic about 10 years ago. She had mercury poisoning and was very sick. She's healed now. She works and has a family. 

   As I improve and get better, I have started to think about the future and shudder when I remember the past, especially the very recent past. 

   Someone asked me what specifically I am being treated for at the clinic. I couldn't answer her because when I tried to explain what cluster headaches are and how dangerously excruitiating the pain is, I couldn't get the words out. I began to gag and feel nauseous. It's hard to explain, but I was physically unable to dwell in the nightmarish past, even if for a moment. 

   Though I still have pain and feel lousy, I am no l longer that person. I no longer live in constant fear of the next cluster attack. I am slowly becoming unguarded. I am no longer like a wounded animal, unpredictable and vicious. I no longer spend all day wishing for death. 

   This new person I'm becoming is foreign to me. I haven't dreamed about or planned the future in years. It's exciting and scary. It blows my mind when I realize I'm no longer spending 24 hrs a day overwhelmed and consumed with pain. 

   I'm slightly overwhelmed to try to imagine what I will do with all this new time on my hands! Tyler and I could travel and just do things with friends like normal people do. I could get a job and I could have a family. Seriously mind blowing stuff...

   Tomorrow I have a big dentist appointment to remove half of the mercury (amalgam) fillings in my mouth (the other half will be removed in a second appt in two weeks). I feel a little nervous about it.  Luke's driving me to the dentist and then my cousin Nate is driving me to the clinic later in the evening. I need them to drive me because I'm worried I'll be in rough shape after having a bunch of dental work done. 

   I'm debating on how much to divulge regarding the slew of nasty toxic waste that has been coming out of my body... I will have to think about it some more.

   Thank you for the prayers, calls, texts, cards, emails and encouragement. It seriously lifted me out of a very dark few weeks. 

   Onto month #2! Can't believe it!

Feeling Lousy

I have good moments but most of the time I range from feeling like I have a moderate to severe flu. I shiver and twitch uncontrollably then flush with heat and sweating. It feels like my bones are on fire. My muscles cramp and ache. I had a bad migraine on tues but thankfully the Zomig worked and the migraine subsided. My skin has exploded with weird rashes and red bumps. I took a bath of Clorox bleach, salt & zinc yesterday. That's only the most recent wacky treatment, lol. 

My dad came down from Sat thru Wed and helped me a ton. He drove me everywhere and did "dad things" for me like get my oil changed and new wipers etc. 

My hubby is here now! He's here till Mon. 

We are just hanging out at the clinic for a bit in between hotel checkout and my colonic appt at 4. I feel like my intestines are exploding :( Hopefully this colonic will clear out whatever died inside of me so I can feel better. 

Good and Bad

It has been ROUGH. I have been sicker than a dog. The clinic director finally admitted that this is not normal. She just kept telling me, "Your adrenals are shot. That's why you're so sick." Now they are saying I am detoxing so fast, they are worried about the detox process being detrimental to my body. This clinic prides itself on detoxing people with minimal discomfort but for some reason, for me, it has been hell. Things have gotten so bad, the clinic director AND founder met with me. This is a big deal because the founder no longer treats the clinic's patients because she handed everything over to the director so she could focus on writing and ministry work. 

Through all the pain and violent dry heaving, a lot of good has come. I am trying to focus on all I have to be grateful for as inspired by this video: http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me

Gratitude is life changing. 

I am so grateful I went 6 days without a headache in years. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking care of our "Hurricane Huck". I am so grateful to Grandma Lee for mailing me a heavy juicer. I am so grateful for my roomies who took me, a stranger, in and my little dog. I am so grateful to my bro and sis-in-law for driving me everywhere and helping me get settled and for sitting with me at 3am when I was terrified and hallucinating. I am so grateful for my cousin for driving me to the clinic and taking me grocery shopping. I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who took me in when I was horribly sick and scared to be alone and for driving me to the dentist in rush hour traffic.  I am so grateful to my mom and dad for taking time off to come and take care of me. I am so grateful to my friends and fam whom I miss terribly for the calls, texts, cards and reminding me of what is true and to never give up. 

I am so grateful to my generous sis-in-law who gave Tyler all her freq flier miles so he can come take care of me. 

I am overwhelmed by the support and love. 

I am so grateful for my Superman hubby who mailed me flowers to make me feel more like I am at home. He has been my biggest support and cheerleader. When I wanted to quit, I kept going because I want to get healthy for him. 

This song came on the radio today and made me think of him:

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is something like a mirror
But I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you looking back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song

And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on

So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone

And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home

Just to let you know, you are

You are you are the love of my life <3

Coping

The cleaning frenzy started at 7:30 this A.M. As I wash and scrub all the things, I keep hearing Crazy Eyes' midnight mopping monologue in my head from Orange Is The New Black. 

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt, and I like to clean things. I pretend the dirt is the feelings, and the floor is my mind. That is called coping... You gotta start from the inside out, or else you’ll step on the clean."

Wiped.

I deserve a freakin medal. I have completed 10 days of this torture. Today was my 10th colonic. I have not missed an appointment or treatment and somehow have managed to not drive home and quit. Came pretty close a couple times. 

Snapped this selfie after my colonic and infrared treatment today. For some reason, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror AT ALL these past 10 days. It's been a nightmare and I was probably scared to see the horror on my face. It's hard to see your own face when it's twisted by physical and emotional agony. 

This afternoon I dared to look and was amused and scared by how rough and utterly beaten up I look.

I just want to be able to sleeeeeeeep. I feel irritable and angry. I can't sleep because of nerve pain all over my body. 

I heard this song on the radio while I was "baking" on the infrared heat table and it made me cry:

If it all just happened overnight
You wouldn't know how much it means
If it all just happened overnight
You would never learn to believe in what you cannot see
Oh, what you cannot see. 

Take it a day, a day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Take it a day, a day at a time
No need to hurry, hurry
Take it a day, a day at a time
It won't happen overnight

Have a little faith
Must appreciate
Every single day
Don't give up.

Doing my best to have a little faith and simply not give up.