Onward!

Been home for a few months now, it's been a big adjustment after being gone so long. Contrary to my wishes everyone and everything here at home continued on without me, ha.

I grappled with loneliness in my little utopic bubble in TX and here in GA I grapple with darkness. I see it everywhere. People I love have relationship problems, money problems, health problems. A few people have reached out just because they're having daily migraines and don't know what to do. It's been hard to reconcile and process all that I've learned and been through in the face of so much suffering and pain.

Tyler and I are still adjusting and settling too. We spent a long time apart! I literally moved out then moved back in! We are slowly conquering the cluttered chaos that is our home. It's been freeing to purge so many things. A lot of it is wacky gadgets and tools and medical devices, like my massive oxygen tank or my inversion table or scalp massagers or a dozen different ice packs. Feels good to not need it and get rid of it!

During today's purging, I found a stack of old journals. The oldest one had entries from 2007. I used them as logs to write everyday how I felt emotionally and physically and everything I ate. I truly believed the answer to my ails was simple and right under my nose. I believed it was some random ingredient I was eating everyday that was causing me so much daily pain. So I painstakingly journaled and recorded every symptom and every thing I consumed and then would give it to my doctors, desperate for them to solve the mystery.

My heart broke when I read a note in between all the mindless data I'd written from reading a book on "Conquering Depression". It said, "Depression and suffering exist as a reminder for you to stay close to God." I feel sick just retyping that nonsense. I was so lost, so desperate for answers, chasing my tail around and around in a world of pain. I was seeking answers from people and places that told me I needed to be weak and broken to receive salvation. No wonder I was so sick!

I tore up the pain journals and had a little bonfire out back. I meditated on flowing peace and looking only forward as I watched the little flames eat up the pain filled pages. Felt real good.
 
Last week, I had this minor dull ache in my occipital nerves that traveled up into the center of my head. I kept thinking, "Man, this is a bit annoying, what is this ache?? ... DUH this is a headache! I used to feel much worse than this ALL THE TIME. Holy crap." It was a jarring moment to say the least.

Every year, in August I would be miserable from the summer thunderstorms. We were seriously looking into places to move with milder weather. I remember having headaches that would last for FOUR DAYS. I would wind up at the neurologist's office and get an "infusion" (IV cocktail of 5+ drugs)  then onto to ER where they would give me 6+ more drugs. All of this was in addition to the preventative drugs I would take daily and the Botox injections and nerve blocks and trigger point injections I would receive every 3 months. Makes me shudder. I hate remembering all this.

This past week, we had several thunderstorms come through. I got to sit outside with my dogs and watch them roll on by. One day I even pulled on my galoshes and stomped all over town, running errands in the rain, NBD. One year ago, I used to spend stormy days in my dark house, covered in ice packs, popping pills and drinking slushies to induce brain freezes to numb the pain.

Some progress details: I get colonics locally once a week now. I'm trying to reduce the coffee enemas too to just once a day, based on how I feel. I deal with depression and fatigue now mostly. The weight loss has plateaued since I've been back, I wish my body outside reflected more of how I feel inside but weight loss per se, has never been the priority. I am on NO medication for the first time in...15 years? Wow. That alone is THE victory.

I also got a job, but it hasn't started yet. I'm pretty excited about it.

ONWARD!