Happy Holidays!

It's been a great holiday week together! 

We've been staying at Luke and Leanna's apartment while they are in Colorado. 

We've been staying busy going to the clinic almost everyday. 

We went to Waco to spent Christmas with my Grammie, aunt & uncle, cousins and a whole lot of my cousins' kiddos. It was a very merry time with family. 

We ate yummy Korean food last night at a fancy place called Il Song garden. It was a fun date night. 

Tyler is quite the runner now! He is very disciplined with his half marathon training. He has been running out at the clinic property while I have my treatments. He ran 7 miles today, which is about 22 laps around the looped road! I'm so proud of him. 

We've been invited to a poker party for New Year's Eve at Michele's house. Looking forward to saying adios to 2013. Bleh. What a year. 

I've really turned a corner with how much better I am doing. I've noticed a big change in my energy level and how much better my back is doing. I am no longer disabled. I can help carry in all of our stuff when we move from place to place. I can stand and have conversations without my back locking up. Up until today, I have only been able to walk a third of the way around the loop at the clinic. Today I walked a full lap! It's only ~.33 miles but it's still a huge milestone! My energy levels are exponentially greater. I can go and go all day. It's crazy to remember how horribly fatigued I used to be. I am able to travel, it was a big deal for me to make the trip to Waco! It's taken 3 months to get to this point! I take nothing for granted. I was filled with such gratitude to be able to take a 1/3 mile stroll with my Tomtom. There are so many little things I have been too sick to do for years now and I celebrate every little achievement on this road to wellness. 

I'm still detoxing. I still feel like I have a mild flu most of the time. I've had a flare up if headaches this week. I've had a couple nights of insomnia this week. I have pain and soreness in my ribs near my liver. It's all still bearable though. 

We are so grateful for all the support and generous Christmas presents from friends and family. I have my next hyberbaric treatment tomorrow!

Christmas fun with my cousins' kids:

Digging into some yummy kim chi pancake:

Too much food, lol:

Tyler cooling down after his 7 mi run today:

My fortune cookie fortune, very applicable!! Excited to ring in a new year full of positivity and gratitude!

A Miracle

Monday morning, I woke up with a whopper of a headache. The last time I had one of this magnitude was back in September. That headache in September, sent me to the ER and inspired my very first blog post, "Rock Bottom".

Normally when one of those freight train headaches hits, I am in panic. The pain is through the roof, I am pacing, screaming, crying, and banging my head into the wall, trying to interrupt the explosive pain. I scarf down as many drugs as I safely can, desperate to abort the headache. What always happens, is despite all the drugs, I wind up at urgent care or the ER.  Then they give me more drugs and send me home, incredibly hungover and woozy for 3 days. 

Yesterday was different. 

I got up and called Melissa and told her I was in bad shape. I did a coffee enema and took a magnesium bath before driving myself to the clinic. I don't know how I did those things in that much pain. 

When I got to the clinic, I had two colonics and four more coffee enemas. I took a lot of calcium, magnesium, omega oil and potassium. I rested in a dark room with Tomtom all afternoon. They took great care of me and never left me alone. I was terrified I would do something out of painful desperation to hurt myself. 

The headache was gone by 6pm. GONE. I stayed at the clinic for their Monday night meeting at 7 then drove myself home at 9. 

I still can't believe it. It is truly a miracle. They aborted my "unstoppable freight train" cluster headache with minerals, a supplement, enemas and colonics and a lot of faith. I did not take ANY headache medicine. I still can't believe that. 

Luke was standing by to come pick me up at any time and take me to urgent care. At any time, I could have popped a Maxalt or Vicodin or phenergan or Zomig or pentazocine or...... 

Though I was in horrible pain most of the day, something kept me there at the clinic, instead of giving in and going to urgent care. That same intuition kept me from reaching into my purse and begin desperately popping the pills. I have come this far, why would God abandon me now? 

I'm still trying to process what happened Monday. Normally the headache aftermath is full of deep depression and wondering why my life is worth living. This headache's aftermath is one of shock and astonishment. I am finally free. I feel like Edmond Dantes running around on the beach after tunneling out of Chateau d'If. I have been freed from the prison of pain, drugs and doctors. I'm no longer getting sicker and sicker but better. 

Thank you God. 

9 Weeks Done...bam.

I've completed 9 weeks of treatment today! BOOYAH. 

I have been feeling pretty good since Friday, so that's 4 good days in a row. Whoa. Can't believe it. 

I still have fatigue and pain but it's bearable, not excruciating. 

Something that helped me a lot was doing a hyperbaric oxygen treatment on Thursday. The treatment forces oxygen into all of your cells through increased pressure. It promotes healing and helps your body purge toxins and parasites. It took 2 hours and I was under 3 atmospheres (like scuba diving 66 feet under the surface) of pressure. I read and listened to music to pass the time. I plan on having a second session this Thursday. 

I am feeling more and more like myself. Since I am slowly gaining more "good days", I have able to do more things that I enjoy like read and watch movies. It's a very good sign that I am feeling bored more and more! It's a crazy feeling to start living again instead of just coping all of the time. 

I am so so grateful to the friends and family who had to talk me down numerous times over these past 9 hellish weeks. I wanted to quit so badly. I am so glad I didn't :)

I miss home. I miss Athens. I miss my hubby. I miss my Huckledoodle. I miss my friends. It's been hard to be away this festive time of year. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Monday. I hate that we will be apart for the first time on our anniversary. Very good news is Tyler's coming back here for Christmas on the 21st so we can celebrate then. I just keep telling myself, "This is temporary and this is so worth it."

I have been learning from Michele's book and the Monday night meetings at the clinic about how poisoning negative thoughts are. They poison our minds and our bodies. Negative thoughts are as detrimental to my health as the toxic metals I am detoxing! The physical pain literally increases when I entertain negative thoughts. You cannot put new wine into old wine skins (Matt 9:16), it will ruin both! I am changing, being made new and healthy and happy from the inside out, starting with my heart and brain. 

Grateful

So so grateful to have my hubby here and spend Thanksgiving with family. The food was uuuuhhmazing. 

Tomtom was grateful someone left the backyard gate open so he and Mfupi could disappear and go on a deer hunting adventure (and give me a heartattack!). 

Wearing Grandma Taliaferro's apron. Missed her so much today. 

Something to Blog About...

 Ughhhh. Please say a prayer for my back. I'm trying my best to rest and stay out of urgent care. My sciatic nerve is being pinched. There are waves of burning pain shooting down my left leg into my calf. I can't walk or sit. I'm hoping a disc hasn't been re-injured. Hopefully with rest, the inflamation will subside and the nerve will relax. 

  ...Now that I think about it, this could also be the nerve roots detoxing. After I tore two discs a year ago, I had 3 rounds of transforaminal steroid injections to help with the pain. The could be my nerve roots freaking out as they heal. Who knows what else was in those injections besides the steroid??? God, I hope that's what this is...

 Anyway, to help me get around the house and clinic, Luke got me a walker from Walmart. It helps a lot but I feel so embarrassed to shuffle around with it. Guess it's better than being bed ridden. 

  There's a winter storm watch here in S.Tx! So crazy. Here's a pic of Tomtom responding to me telling him it's time to go outside in the freezing rain so he can potty: 

Doing Aiiiight.

So I'm feeling ok. I was all geared up for intestinal WWIII and not much has changed. 

My mood has improved, I still have some swings but not nearly as bad as this past weekend. 

I've had some intestinal cramping today but nothing horrible. 

So...yeah. Haha. A boring blog post is a good sign! So here's a weather report: Winter has arrived in SA! It's 34°! Fahrenheit! Brrrr. 

Tyler arrives on Monday, yay! The 3 of us are staying at a woman's house from church. She doesn't know us, all she knew is we needed somewhere to stay for 8 days so she opened her home. Again I find myself dumbfounded at the generousity of strangers. 

One last random tidbit: I bought a negative ion bracelet at the clinic's health food store on Monday night and all I know is everynight since, I have been sleeping like a baby and when I wake up, my muscles no longer scream at me like I ran an ultra marathon the day prior. Maybe it's a placebo or black magic, but I'm sharing the gospel. If I could, I would buy one for every one of my loved ones, but alas I cannot. If you would like me to buy one for you, please let me know. The clinic store sells them for $40 when they should be selling them for $99 (http://www.endevr.com/products/elite-series-bracelet). OK, the PSA is over ;)

Going to the Mattresses

   I had a colonic today and it helped me to feel a bit better. The depression has improved. I still cry all the time for no reason and then laugh and cry at the same time like I'm insane. The joint and muscle pain is bad but only in my quads, calves, knees and ankles. 

   The clinic calls the crazy emotion fluxes "Parasite Personality" which just means you feel absolutely insane because your body is dumping (purging) dead parasites. I have seen an increase of parasites in my stool over the past few days. So gross. But at least they're dying and getting the heck out of my body. 

(If you have a strong stomach, you can see what the parasites look like here: http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/4179-17824

Or here: http://www.savalli.us/BIO385/Diversity/05.PlatyhelminthesImages/DogTapewormPresL.jpg)

   Today I met with the director, Melissa. She said my urinary and saliva tests continue to show progress and my kidneys and liver are functioning well. It's a mystery as to how or why I am dumping so many parasites because I am not taking anything to detox me. I am only taking some mineral supplements e.g. calcium and potassium. She took me off of anything that would kill and purge parasites weeks ago in repeated efforts to slow down the detoxing because I reacted *too* well and got too sick and was detoxing too fast. 

   My body has its own agenda, it seems. So instead of futilely trying to stop or slow down the detox, Melissa wants to help it, i.e. crank it up. ...gulp... We are going to follow my body's lead and pull out the 'big guns' of supplements to seriously purge these demon worm invaders and toxic metals. Tomorrow I will begin taking vidanga (intestinal worm killing herb from India) and a heavy metal detoxing supplement. I will have 3 straight days of colonic appointments. And I will hold on for dear life for the next 72 hours...

Tough Weekend

I had a difficult weekend. I can't stop crying. I'm very homesick. My skin is crawling. My joints and body ache and ache. I'm paranoid and easily angered and horribly depressed. 

I want to quit. I want this torture to end. 

I had a dream last night that I was back in high school, one month away from graduating. It was a Sunday night and I was gripped with panic, anxiety and this intense dread about simply returning to school on Monday morning. It was so bad, I was trying to find a way out and just quit school all together. I finally said to myself, "You have one month left. You can't quit and throw the entire year away and not graduate. It would be so stupid to stop now!" I felt calmer and more resolved and then I woke up.

I keep telling myself that: IT WOULD BE SO STUPID TO STOP NOW. 

I know it's the truth but I cry and scream and fight to keep going and I still feel horrible. 

Praying and begging for easier days and for whatever is poisoning my body to give up and GET OUT. 

Bye Bye Botox

   Today I was supposed to receive my tenth round of Botox injections. It felt so good to call and tell the neurologists' office that I won't be coming in. I was practically giddy.

   It's like a bad joke: I have been going to that office since 2005 and I got worse and worse and worse under their expert care. It's so freeing to not have to go back to be tortured by those doctors and nurse practitioners. I feel like I've escaped from prison. I feel as free as Andy Dufresne...

   I'm still having bad nerve pain. When I sleep on my back, I wake up with both my arms completely numb so I turn on my side but that causes pain in my hips and back. I suspect all this nerve and muscle pain is my body purging 279 individual Botox injections from the past 27 months. I have also had various nerve blocks, trigger point injections, and 3 rounds of excruciating transforaminal (spine nerve root) injections to reduce back pain from torn discs.

   I have a lot of poisons to purge!

Here's some pics from the past week:

The clinic property is beautiful. 

My lil pumpkin

Tt loves the wind in his hair:

http://instagram.com/p/gmaADXBfBv/

Muy Bueno

   I'm typing this sitting outside in the backyard, enjoying the brisk 65° weather and drinking mint tea. Tomtom is romping around, guarding the yard from pesky squirrels and massive feral cats. It's so nice to sit and enjoy these moments that are no longer polluted with pain. 

   Lots of good news: I completed four weeks (!) of treatment and I have been feeling much better. Some days I wiped and fatigued and some days I feel manic and full of energy. Some days I have moderate headaches and bad nausea. I have been sleeping much better. My appetite has returned. Some days I wake up with anxiety but overall my mood has drastically improved. It's amazing to not be tormented with headaches all day, every day. I'm no longer panicked and terrified to be alone. I no longer suspect the clinic is trying to kill me, lol. 

   Some minorly bad news: Every day, I do have nerve and muscle pain all over my body. Some nights, it keeps me awake. My back pain flares up if I stand too long. 

   Though I'm in pain, I'm able to drive myself to the clinic. I love feeling well enough to hang with my roommates and go to church and go to the clinic's Monday night meeting and meet new people. 

   I had dinner at a woman's house from church who was treated by the clinic about 10 years ago. She had mercury poisoning and was very sick. She's healed now. She works and has a family. 

   As I improve and get better, I have started to think about the future and shudder when I remember the past, especially the very recent past. 

   Someone asked me what specifically I am being treated for at the clinic. I couldn't answer her because when I tried to explain what cluster headaches are and how dangerously excruitiating the pain is, I couldn't get the words out. I began to gag and feel nauseous. It's hard to explain, but I was physically unable to dwell in the nightmarish past, even if for a moment. 

   Though I still have pain and feel lousy, I am no l longer that person. I no longer live in constant fear of the next cluster attack. I am slowly becoming unguarded. I am no longer like a wounded animal, unpredictable and vicious. I no longer spend all day wishing for death. 

   This new person I'm becoming is foreign to me. I haven't dreamed about or planned the future in years. It's exciting and scary. It blows my mind when I realize I'm no longer spending 24 hrs a day overwhelmed and consumed with pain. 

   I'm slightly overwhelmed to try to imagine what I will do with all this new time on my hands! Tyler and I could travel and just do things with friends like normal people do. I could get a job and I could have a family. Seriously mind blowing stuff...

   Tomorrow I have a big dentist appointment to remove half of the mercury (amalgam) fillings in my mouth (the other half will be removed in a second appt in two weeks). I feel a little nervous about it.  Luke's driving me to the dentist and then my cousin Nate is driving me to the clinic later in the evening. I need them to drive me because I'm worried I'll be in rough shape after having a bunch of dental work done. 

   I'm debating on how much to divulge regarding the slew of nasty toxic waste that has been coming out of my body... I will have to think about it some more.

   Thank you for the prayers, calls, texts, cards, emails and encouragement. It seriously lifted me out of a very dark few weeks. 

   Onto month #2! Can't believe it!

Feeling Lousy

I have good moments but most of the time I range from feeling like I have a moderate to severe flu. I shiver and twitch uncontrollably then flush with heat and sweating. It feels like my bones are on fire. My muscles cramp and ache. I had a bad migraine on tues but thankfully the Zomig worked and the migraine subsided. My skin has exploded with weird rashes and red bumps. I took a bath of Clorox bleach, salt & zinc yesterday. That's only the most recent wacky treatment, lol. 

My dad came down from Sat thru Wed and helped me a ton. He drove me everywhere and did "dad things" for me like get my oil changed and new wipers etc. 

My hubby is here now! He's here till Mon. 

We are just hanging out at the clinic for a bit in between hotel checkout and my colonic appt at 4. I feel like my intestines are exploding :( Hopefully this colonic will clear out whatever died inside of me so I can feel better. 

Good and Bad

It has been ROUGH. I have been sicker than a dog. The clinic director finally admitted that this is not normal. She just kept telling me, "Your adrenals are shot. That's why you're so sick." Now they are saying I am detoxing so fast, they are worried about the detox process being detrimental to my body. This clinic prides itself on detoxing people with minimal discomfort but for some reason, for me, it has been hell. Things have gotten so bad, the clinic director AND founder met with me. This is a big deal because the founder no longer treats the clinic's patients because she handed everything over to the director so she could focus on writing and ministry work. 

Through all the pain and violent dry heaving, a lot of good has come. I am trying to focus on all I have to be grateful for as inspired by this video: http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me

Gratitude is life changing. 

I am so grateful I went 6 days without a headache in years. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking care of our "Hurricane Huck". I am so grateful to Grandma Lee for mailing me a heavy juicer. I am so grateful for my roomies who took me, a stranger, in and my little dog. I am so grateful to my bro and sis-in-law for driving me everywhere and helping me get settled and for sitting with me at 3am when I was terrified and hallucinating. I am so grateful for my cousin for driving me to the clinic and taking me grocery shopping. I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who took me in when I was horribly sick and scared to be alone and for driving me to the dentist in rush hour traffic.  I am so grateful to my mom and dad for taking time off to come and take care of me. I am so grateful to my friends and fam whom I miss terribly for the calls, texts, cards and reminding me of what is true and to never give up. 

I am so grateful to my generous sis-in-law who gave Tyler all her freq flier miles so he can come take care of me. 

I am overwhelmed by the support and love. 

I am so grateful for my Superman hubby who mailed me flowers to make me feel more like I am at home. He has been my biggest support and cheerleader. When I wanted to quit, I kept going because I want to get healthy for him. 

This song came on the radio today and made me think of him:

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is something like a mirror
But I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you looking back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song

And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on

So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone

And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home

Just to let you know, you are

You are you are the love of my life <3

Coping

The cleaning frenzy started at 7:30 this A.M. As I wash and scrub all the things, I keep hearing Crazy Eyes' midnight mopping monologue in my head from Orange Is The New Black. 

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt, and I like to clean things. I pretend the dirt is the feelings, and the floor is my mind. That is called coping... You gotta start from the inside out, or else you’ll step on the clean."

Wiped.

I deserve a freakin medal. I have completed 10 days of this torture. Today was my 10th colonic. I have not missed an appointment or treatment and somehow have managed to not drive home and quit. Came pretty close a couple times. 

Snapped this selfie after my colonic and infrared treatment today. For some reason, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror AT ALL these past 10 days. It's been a nightmare and I was probably scared to see the horror on my face. It's hard to see your own face when it's twisted by physical and emotional agony. 

This afternoon I dared to look and was amused and scared by how rough and utterly beaten up I look.

I just want to be able to sleeeeeeeep. I feel irritable and angry. I can't sleep because of nerve pain all over my body. 

I heard this song on the radio while I was "baking" on the infrared heat table and it made me cry:

If it all just happened overnight
You wouldn't know how much it means
If it all just happened overnight
You would never learn to believe in what you cannot see
Oh, what you cannot see. 

Take it a day, a day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Take it a day, a day at a time
No need to hurry, hurry
Take it a day, a day at a time
It won't happen overnight

Have a little faith
Must appreciate
Every single day
Don't give up.

Doing my best to have a little faith and simply not give up. 

Testing Results

Had more great results from the testing today. I'm going to start recording what Melissa says as she reviews the results with me because I'm so scatter brained I can never remember everything she says. So, the summary is, still making progress!

She said my liver toxin levels are as low as they can go (!!) and even better news is my kidney debris levels decreased further, which means the toxins are being released from the liver and NOT depositing into the kidneys (big hooray). 

I am really grappling with intense depression. It's excruciating. I want to do nothing and everything. I'm exhausted and amped. I feel like I want to peel my face off and scream and scream. 

Please pray I can get some sleep. I'm having bad nerve pain into my left leg that's keeping me up.  

We had family dinner over at Mike & AB's tonight. Well, I watched family eat dinner because the nausea and dry heaving hit me again tonight. I was just so happy to be able to just go. It was Luke, Leanna, Nate, Grandpa, and Mom and I. It's a huge comfort for me to be around family when I'm feeling so horribly depressed.

I love sitting outside in Mike's amazing garden and watch the swarms of Monarch butterflies fly by on their way to Mexico for the winter. There's lots of hummingbirds and honey bees buzzing around too. It's so serene. Tomtom loves to romp and run around with Mfupi. The weather is simply perfect. 

Here's a pic of my funny momma at Target today:

Also Tomtom was a lil wild man at the clinic property today. He romped off into the oak forest, boldly exploring. He would NOT be tamed! Here's a link to a Vine I took: https://vine.co/v/hwUqBgjzJtO

Yay For Easier Days

Had a much easier day! I was able to eat some tamales and rice and beans. Mmmm. No dry heaving or nausea. 

I did have a mild-moderate headache all day which made me realize, Whoa--this is my first headache in a week. WHOA.

I sincerely cannot remember the last time I went that long without a headache. It has been at least 5 years. 

I'm eager for tomorrow. I will have another round of urinary and saliva testing before my colonic. Hopefully Melissa will have me start back up on the supplements and this time I'll be able to keep them down. 

I'm tempted to post about the progress I'm making with the colonics...tempted, but it's pretty gnarly stuff coming out. I feel like a toxic waste dump. 

We stopped by Luke and Leanna's place last night. Here's some pics...

The newlyweds <3

Leanna, Mom & Tomtom

Tomtom refused to pose for another pic and pouted. Such a brat. 

Making Progress

...according to my testing yesterday but I am sicksicksick. 

The clinic director (Melissa) was so shocked and happy with my numbers yesterday that she canceled my colonic appt for today (tues) but. . .

then I started throwing up last night and today which is not good. About to go into the clinic after all so hopefully they can provide some relief to this vomitting. 

I am very very dizzy and lightheaded due to low potassium levels. Please pray I do not fall. My back is still hurting badly so please pray it heals. 

Also found out my poor Gpa (Archer) has pneumonia. Pls pray for relief for him too.

I can't see the end to this torture! Why am I doing this again????! 

Doing Better

Had a much easier treatment today. Thankfully Luke went with me and I cried only part of the way there. Luke read Proverbs to me while I laid on the infrared table before my colonic. I like reading Proverbs because they are so simply worded and easy to grasp though I feel super scatter brained. Praying helps a lot too. When I start to feel horrible panic, loneliness and fear swelling, I pray...or blog.  (The clinic calls this "Parasite Personality". It's part of the detox. You feel super bipolar and laugh and cry at the same time for no reason at all.)

Luke and I had fun at coming up with more "current" versions of Proverbs:

"Haters gon hate."

"Mo money mo problems." 😂

My back pain has flared up again. The pain goes into my left hip and quadricep. I'm laying on the hard floor right now trying to stretch it out. I hope it heals quickly because I don't want to be laid up for days and days. I made the difficult decision to defer from my super strict program and take Lortab and Mobic (prescription NSAID) for the pain. If I can't walk, stand, sit, or drive then how can I continue the treatment? I'm trying not to beat my self up about "rebelling" from the program. I weighed the decision to take the drugs heavily and decided this is what is best for my body. 

My momma comes today! Can't wait to have her here!

Here's a link to a short funny video of Tomtom romping with Mfupi:

https://vine.co/v/hHIxUQDvWUO

So done

I want to quit. I want to walk away and just go home. I cried all morning. I cried driving to the clinic. Then I wept and screamed in the car when I arrived. Now I'm crying on the infrared table before my colonic appt at 11. 

Please pray I stay strong. I'm so weak so depressed so homesick. 

Trying trying trying to convince myself this is worth it. 

Friday

Moving again today. I'm moving into Sarah's house where I'll be staying for the remainder of my treatments. Fourth time moving this week. Feeling super anxious but also looking forward to being able to "settle" and stop bouncing from place to place. Also looking forward to getting to know my new roomies Sarah and Amanda better. Tomtom is def looking forward to have a yard to romp in and living in a houseful of ladies, haha. He's going to be the lil man of the house. 

Tyler leaves this afternoon. The creeping feelings of dread haunting me all week have risen to a swell of panic and fear. Please pray for peace and calm to surround me. My mom is coming Sunday to take care of me and I'll have my Tomtom too. 

Readers, what helps you when you're fighting anxiety and fear?

Laugh of the day:

This week at the hotel, when Tom had to go, we would just dangle him out of our first floor window, he'd do his business then climb back in! It was his own little private pee garden, haha. 

Detoxing

In the thick of it. Please pray for relief. 

Most of my supplements. It's a lot. Tyler loaded them all up for me and made me an excel spreadsheet to help me keep track. He's my super-hub. 

Opened my Bible app and this was the "verse of the day". 

**if you have any funny pics or stories, pls send them my way. Laughing helps the pain. 

Last night as Tyler was taking care of me...

Me: Where would I be without you, Hubby??!! (said incredulously and hypothetically)

Ty: Single. 

Made me laugh and laugh!

First Appointment Deets

It was a great first appointment today. I am wiped because it was a bit of an information overload. We had a long consult with the clinic founder, Michele. I had saliva, urine and hair testing done. We got a tour of the grounds and different treatment buildings and bought all the supplements I will need.

From the saliva and urine tests, they already determined I am depleted of minerals, especially calcium thus the cause of the severe depression. I am also "extremely toxic" (high levels of nitrate nitrogens and ammoniacal nitrates) and my urine test revealed I have double the amount of kidney debris I should.

I don't know the hair test results yet. Those results will determine which metal toxicity I have (copper and/or aluminum). I need to have blood work done. The blood test will reveal the state of my kidneys, she is concerned about high levels of creatine and low potassium levels.

Good news is I no longer have to eat gluten free anymore! Just wheat free which is easier. All the other diet restrictions are minor and easy to do except for no cow cheese :( It's just temporary and Michele said I can have goat/sheep milk cheeses within a couple weeks (yay!). The diet philosophy is to eat foods that are simple and easy for my body to digest. It's all very healthy, organic and simple. I have to drink a quart of apple/carrot/celery juice every day. I also have to drink 3 quarts of distilled water a day.

Tomorrow I will have blood work done and my first colonic. Then we have a lot of errands to get done. I need to get a juicer and go grocery shopping and start moving into the room I am renting.

I feel a bit overwhelmed with making the adjustments to follow the treatments prescribed. I have about a dozen supplements to manage. Tyler feels worried about me stopping my antidepressants because when I have quit taking them in the past, my mood has dangerously plummeted. He also worries about me getting a cluster headache. I feel stressed about the steep upfront costs. So far we have spent about a $1000 and I am about to start paying rent. The first two weeks of treatments will be about $800 for colonics and more testing. Michele also recommends I use their hyperbaric oxygen chamber but that is $1000 for ten sessions (eeep!).

Almost forgot--the property is dog friendly so Tomtom is welcome to come with me to my daily appointments! So we'll see how that goes! He has 27 acres to romp around in but I know he'll be on my heels the whole time.

Thank you dear friends and family for the prayers, support and encouragement. I would not be beginning this healing journey without you!

Ready to Change

I had a total meltdown this morning because I was having problems showering because my back hurt so much. Little things like that build up and then I explode into tears with frustration. 

I am ready to heal. I am ready to be well. I am done with the cycles of pain and frustration. 

I am focused on what is AHEAD. 

Please say a prayer for me. I am literally about to walk through the doors of the clinic. I can't help but feel my life is about to change dramatically. It's scary but it's exciting. I feel little twinges of hope growing. Here I go...

Recovering in Austin

It was a loooong trip but we arrived safely and are happy to be in Austin. My back is very stiff and sore from the drive and I hope it will heal quickly so I can see some of the city!

We are staying with friends for one more night before we continue on to San Antonio. Our friends have two sweet little Pomeranians who are slowly warming up to Tomtom. This awkward Pom-Tom trio is so cute and funny!

On Our Way!

We are Texas bound!

The car is packed very full! 

Please pray for us to have safe, pain free travels. We are trying to beat Tropical Storm Karen out of Mobile. 

It's a go!

A lot has happened this past week! I heard back from the clinic and they guaranteed they can cure my headaches. My first appointment is Tues Oct 8. That appointment will take a few hours and then I will have to go to the clinic everyday for 3-5 days for a couple hours then I will hopefully only have to go in every other day.

We will begin driving Fri Oct 4. Once we arrive, we're going to stay in a motel for the first week. Tyler is staying till the weekend to get me moved in and settled and go with me to the first onslaught of appointments and testing. He'll fly home to GA and leave me with the car and the Tomtom. Then my mom is coming the following week.

Luke found Tomtom and I a place to stay. I'm going to be renting a room from a woman from church.  She is very gracious and generous to have a stranger with a dog moving into her house for a yet-to-be-determined amount of time!!

Huck is going to VA to stay with Tyler's parents while I'm in Texas (THANK YOU, Tim, Sue, Benji + Buddy!). This is a huge stress relief because I know he will be safe and happy romping around in their big fenced in yard. It also saves us hundreds of dollars in boarding costs!

I'm most nervous about being away from home. I hate to be away from Tyler for such a long time. Thankfully I will have my lil Tomtom with me.

I am so grateful for the support we received from family and friends. It has taken a team to make this trip happen for me. Thank you all for rooting for my success :)

Frustration

My fingers are crossed, hoping and wishing I will hear back from the clinic soon...
I'm really hoping they call me back today, my 29th birthday.

I had horribly frustrating dreams last night that end with me waking up with my body on fire with pain.

The dreams are the same: I'm running or fighting for my life and someone won't help me or someone won't listen to me or I'm physically fighting someone and my punches fall like feathers, having no effect at all.

I feel powerless and weak. Every little thing is a battle with chronic pain. Driving, showering, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, & taking my dogs outside are each an individual battle I carefully choose to conquer based on my energy and pain level in that moment. Usually I am defeated by such simple tasks because exerting myself or bending over in any way sends shooting pain from my neck to my head, triggering a headache that may send me to the ER.

I have been battling to escape this prison of pain for almost three decades now.

I feel defeated and hopeless; weary and worn down by never winning, never being able to have control over my body and thus, my life.

I WANT CONTROL.

I cry and beg for relief but none comes. The only answer is silence and pain. 

Rock Bottom

Last night at 8pm, I got one of my "freight train" headaches. That is what I call the excruciating cluster headaches I've had for the past 3 years because nothing stops them. I went to the ER at 10pm after my gallon sized Ziploc bag of prescriptions and oxygen therapy failed at easing any of the pain. I finally got to go home and was able to sleep by 2am, doped up on the six drugs they gave me through an IV, not included the five drugs I took at home before going to the ER. It was my second urgent care/ER trip within 2 weeks.

Waking up this morning, super groggy from all the drugs, I felt utterly defeated and completely hopeless. I have hit rock bottom. Nothing works, nothing helps. I truly feel that I may not survive the next cluster headache. Cluster headaches are called "suicide headaches" because the pain is so excruciating, desperate sufferers will try to kill themselves just to end the pain. I am terrified of what I might do in such a moment of pain-fueled weakness.

I am horribly depressed, desperate and frustrated. I am fed up with having to be super doped up all the time and covered in ice packs just to do basic things like take my dogs outside or shower. I am tired of fumbling around in the dark, looking for help and answers and the only thing I find are more "specialists" who give me more and more drugs with false hope of relief, followed by disappointment, deep depression and ER visits. DONE. I AM DONE.

I have decided to stop the cycle of expensive doctors' treatments that don't work, and ER visits that leave me pumped full of drugs that provide temporary relief at high cost to my health.

I have decided to stop fighting what I know can offer healing and hope.

I am making plans to be treated by a holistic clinic in S Texas that healed my brother's major depression and ADHD. His whole life has changed.

Tyler and I are in the very early stages of planning and gathering info to make this healing happen for me. So far, we estimate I will need to stay in the San Antonio area for up to 4 months to receive treatments and testing at the clinic. We have also roughly estimated the cost will be $4000 (eeep!). My birthday is coming up in a little over a week, and I have begun asking for money to help with the costs in lieu of a gift. Pretty much the only thing we've figured out is I need to go to this clinic and we'll make it happen...somehow!

I also decided to start this blog to seek support and possibly help others who suffer with chronic pain as I begin a healing journey.  

I refuse to keep fumbling in the darkness of pain and depression. I will fight to be well again. I can't imagine what that's like as I have been in pain for so long but I have begun to dare to imagine, hope, and pray again. Hope can be a dangerous thing, especially when I am so weak but I refuse to give up.