It's a go!

A lot has happened this past week! I heard back from the clinic and they guaranteed they can cure my headaches. My first appointment is Tues Oct 8. That appointment will take a few hours and then I will have to go to the clinic everyday for 3-5 days for a couple hours then I will hopefully only have to go in every other day.

We will begin driving Fri Oct 4. Once we arrive, we're going to stay in a motel for the first week. Tyler is staying till the weekend to get me moved in and settled and go with me to the first onslaught of appointments and testing. He'll fly home to GA and leave me with the car and the Tomtom. Then my mom is coming the following week.

Luke found Tomtom and I a place to stay. I'm going to be renting a room from a woman from church.  She is very gracious and generous to have a stranger with a dog moving into her house for a yet-to-be-determined amount of time!!

Huck is going to VA to stay with Tyler's parents while I'm in Texas (THANK YOU, Tim, Sue, Benji + Buddy!). This is a huge stress relief because I know he will be safe and happy romping around in their big fenced in yard. It also saves us hundreds of dollars in boarding costs!

I'm most nervous about being away from home. I hate to be away from Tyler for such a long time. Thankfully I will have my lil Tomtom with me.

I am so grateful for the support we received from family and friends. It has taken a team to make this trip happen for me. Thank you all for rooting for my success :)

Frustration

My fingers are crossed, hoping and wishing I will hear back from the clinic soon...
I'm really hoping they call me back today, my 29th birthday.

I had horribly frustrating dreams last night that end with me waking up with my body on fire with pain.

The dreams are the same: I'm running or fighting for my life and someone won't help me or someone won't listen to me or I'm physically fighting someone and my punches fall like feathers, having no effect at all.

I feel powerless and weak. Every little thing is a battle with chronic pain. Driving, showering, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, & taking my dogs outside are each an individual battle I carefully choose to conquer based on my energy and pain level in that moment. Usually I am defeated by such simple tasks because exerting myself or bending over in any way sends shooting pain from my neck to my head, triggering a headache that may send me to the ER.

I have been battling to escape this prison of pain for almost three decades now.

I feel defeated and hopeless; weary and worn down by never winning, never being able to have control over my body and thus, my life.

I WANT CONTROL.

I cry and beg for relief but none comes. The only answer is silence and pain. 

Rock Bottom

Last night at 8pm, I got one of my "freight train" headaches. That is what I call the excruciating cluster headaches I've had for the past 3 years because nothing stops them. I went to the ER at 10pm after my gallon sized Ziploc bag of prescriptions and oxygen therapy failed at easing any of the pain. I finally got to go home and was able to sleep by 2am, doped up on the six drugs they gave me through an IV, not included the five drugs I took at home before going to the ER. It was my second urgent care/ER trip within 2 weeks.

Waking up this morning, super groggy from all the drugs, I felt utterly defeated and completely hopeless. I have hit rock bottom. Nothing works, nothing helps. I truly feel that I may not survive the next cluster headache. Cluster headaches are called "suicide headaches" because the pain is so excruciating, desperate sufferers will try to kill themselves just to end the pain. I am terrified of what I might do in such a moment of pain-fueled weakness.

I am horribly depressed, desperate and frustrated. I am fed up with having to be super doped up all the time and covered in ice packs just to do basic things like take my dogs outside or shower. I am tired of fumbling around in the dark, looking for help and answers and the only thing I find are more "specialists" who give me more and more drugs with false hope of relief, followed by disappointment, deep depression and ER visits. DONE. I AM DONE.

I have decided to stop the cycle of expensive doctors' treatments that don't work, and ER visits that leave me pumped full of drugs that provide temporary relief at high cost to my health.

I have decided to stop fighting what I know can offer healing and hope.

I am making plans to be treated by a holistic clinic in S Texas that healed my brother's major depression and ADHD. His whole life has changed.

Tyler and I are in the very early stages of planning and gathering info to make this healing happen for me. So far, we estimate I will need to stay in the San Antonio area for up to 4 months to receive treatments and testing at the clinic. We have also roughly estimated the cost will be $4000 (eeep!). My birthday is coming up in a little over a week, and I have begun asking for money to help with the costs in lieu of a gift. Pretty much the only thing we've figured out is I need to go to this clinic and we'll make it happen...somehow!

I also decided to start this blog to seek support and possibly help others who suffer with chronic pain as I begin a healing journey.  

I refuse to keep fumbling in the darkness of pain and depression. I will fight to be well again. I can't imagine what that's like as I have been in pain for so long but I have begun to dare to imagine, hope, and pray again. Hope can be a dangerous thing, especially when I am so weak but I refuse to give up.