I'm really hoping they call me back today, my 29th birthday.
I had horribly frustrating dreams last night that end with me waking up with my body on fire with pain.
The dreams are the same: I'm running or fighting for my life and someone won't help me or someone won't listen to me or I'm physically fighting someone and my punches fall like feathers, having no effect at all.
I feel powerless and weak. Every little thing is a battle with chronic pain. Driving, showering, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, & taking my dogs outside are each an individual battle I carefully choose to conquer based on my energy and pain level in that moment. Usually I am defeated by such simple tasks because exerting myself or bending over in any way sends shooting pain from my neck to my head, triggering a headache that may send me to the ER.
I have been battling to escape this prison of pain for almost three decades now.
I feel defeated and hopeless; weary and worn down by never winning, never being able to have control over my body and thus, my life.
I WANT CONTROL.
I cry and beg for relief but none comes. The only answer is silence and pain.
Em,
ReplyDeleteTyler told us about the plans to move you and Tom Tom to San Antonio for help and healing. We are behind you 1000%, echoing your dad. We are more than happy to take Huck...we've already told Benji that when family needs help, we all have to pitch in and he will just have to deal. I am so sorry to read about your constant pain and suffering. The way you are, one would never know the extent of your physical and emotional torment. So I am glad you are writing....it is a way for those who care about you to really know what is going on....what you face, what you feel, what you think. And be educated in the process so we can be a better support to you.
We are excited to see you this weekend and talk more.
Love,
Tim and Sue