Grateful

So so grateful to have my hubby here and spend Thanksgiving with family. The food was uuuuhhmazing. 

Tomtom was grateful someone left the backyard gate open so he and Mfupi could disappear and go on a deer hunting adventure (and give me a heartattack!). 

Wearing Grandma Taliaferro's apron. Missed her so much today. 

Something to Blog About...

 Ughhhh. Please say a prayer for my back. I'm trying my best to rest and stay out of urgent care. My sciatic nerve is being pinched. There are waves of burning pain shooting down my left leg into my calf. I can't walk or sit. I'm hoping a disc hasn't been re-injured. Hopefully with rest, the inflamation will subside and the nerve will relax. 

  ...Now that I think about it, this could also be the nerve roots detoxing. After I tore two discs a year ago, I had 3 rounds of transforaminal steroid injections to help with the pain. The could be my nerve roots freaking out as they heal. Who knows what else was in those injections besides the steroid??? God, I hope that's what this is...

 Anyway, to help me get around the house and clinic, Luke got me a walker from Walmart. It helps a lot but I feel so embarrassed to shuffle around with it. Guess it's better than being bed ridden. 

  There's a winter storm watch here in S.Tx! So crazy. Here's a pic of Tomtom responding to me telling him it's time to go outside in the freezing rain so he can potty: 

Doing Aiiiight.

So I'm feeling ok. I was all geared up for intestinal WWIII and not much has changed. 

My mood has improved, I still have some swings but not nearly as bad as this past weekend. 

I've had some intestinal cramping today but nothing horrible. 

So...yeah. Haha. A boring blog post is a good sign! So here's a weather report: Winter has arrived in SA! It's 34°! Fahrenheit! Brrrr. 

Tyler arrives on Monday, yay! The 3 of us are staying at a woman's house from church. She doesn't know us, all she knew is we needed somewhere to stay for 8 days so she opened her home. Again I find myself dumbfounded at the generousity of strangers. 

One last random tidbit: I bought a negative ion bracelet at the clinic's health food store on Monday night and all I know is everynight since, I have been sleeping like a baby and when I wake up, my muscles no longer scream at me like I ran an ultra marathon the day prior. Maybe it's a placebo or black magic, but I'm sharing the gospel. If I could, I would buy one for every one of my loved ones, but alas I cannot. If you would like me to buy one for you, please let me know. The clinic store sells them for $40 when they should be selling them for $99 (http://www.endevr.com/products/elite-series-bracelet). OK, the PSA is over ;)

Going to the Mattresses

   I had a colonic today and it helped me to feel a bit better. The depression has improved. I still cry all the time for no reason and then laugh and cry at the same time like I'm insane. The joint and muscle pain is bad but only in my quads, calves, knees and ankles. 

   The clinic calls the crazy emotion fluxes "Parasite Personality" which just means you feel absolutely insane because your body is dumping (purging) dead parasites. I have seen an increase of parasites in my stool over the past few days. So gross. But at least they're dying and getting the heck out of my body. 

(If you have a strong stomach, you can see what the parasites look like here: http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/4179-17824

Or here: http://www.savalli.us/BIO385/Diversity/05.PlatyhelminthesImages/DogTapewormPresL.jpg)

   Today I met with the director, Melissa. She said my urinary and saliva tests continue to show progress and my kidneys and liver are functioning well. It's a mystery as to how or why I am dumping so many parasites because I am not taking anything to detox me. I am only taking some mineral supplements e.g. calcium and potassium. She took me off of anything that would kill and purge parasites weeks ago in repeated efforts to slow down the detoxing because I reacted *too* well and got too sick and was detoxing too fast. 

   My body has its own agenda, it seems. So instead of futilely trying to stop or slow down the detox, Melissa wants to help it, i.e. crank it up. ...gulp... We are going to follow my body's lead and pull out the 'big guns' of supplements to seriously purge these demon worm invaders and toxic metals. Tomorrow I will begin taking vidanga (intestinal worm killing herb from India) and a heavy metal detoxing supplement. I will have 3 straight days of colonic appointments. And I will hold on for dear life for the next 72 hours...

Tough Weekend

I had a difficult weekend. I can't stop crying. I'm very homesick. My skin is crawling. My joints and body ache and ache. I'm paranoid and easily angered and horribly depressed. 

I want to quit. I want this torture to end. 

I had a dream last night that I was back in high school, one month away from graduating. It was a Sunday night and I was gripped with panic, anxiety and this intense dread about simply returning to school on Monday morning. It was so bad, I was trying to find a way out and just quit school all together. I finally said to myself, "You have one month left. You can't quit and throw the entire year away and not graduate. It would be so stupid to stop now!" I felt calmer and more resolved and then I woke up.

I keep telling myself that: IT WOULD BE SO STUPID TO STOP NOW. 

I know it's the truth but I cry and scream and fight to keep going and I still feel horrible. 

Praying and begging for easier days and for whatever is poisoning my body to give up and GET OUT. 

Bye Bye Botox

   Today I was supposed to receive my tenth round of Botox injections. It felt so good to call and tell the neurologists' office that I won't be coming in. I was practically giddy.

   It's like a bad joke: I have been going to that office since 2005 and I got worse and worse and worse under their expert care. It's so freeing to not have to go back to be tortured by those doctors and nurse practitioners. I feel like I've escaped from prison. I feel as free as Andy Dufresne...

   I'm still having bad nerve pain. When I sleep on my back, I wake up with both my arms completely numb so I turn on my side but that causes pain in my hips and back. I suspect all this nerve and muscle pain is my body purging 279 individual Botox injections from the past 27 months. I have also had various nerve blocks, trigger point injections, and 3 rounds of excruciating transforaminal (spine nerve root) injections to reduce back pain from torn discs.

   I have a lot of poisons to purge!

Here's some pics from the past week:

The clinic property is beautiful. 

My lil pumpkin

Tt loves the wind in his hair:

http://instagram.com/p/gmaADXBfBv/

Muy Bueno

   I'm typing this sitting outside in the backyard, enjoying the brisk 65° weather and drinking mint tea. Tomtom is romping around, guarding the yard from pesky squirrels and massive feral cats. It's so nice to sit and enjoy these moments that are no longer polluted with pain. 

   Lots of good news: I completed four weeks (!) of treatment and I have been feeling much better. Some days I wiped and fatigued and some days I feel manic and full of energy. Some days I have moderate headaches and bad nausea. I have been sleeping much better. My appetite has returned. Some days I wake up with anxiety but overall my mood has drastically improved. It's amazing to not be tormented with headaches all day, every day. I'm no longer panicked and terrified to be alone. I no longer suspect the clinic is trying to kill me, lol. 

   Some minorly bad news: Every day, I do have nerve and muscle pain all over my body. Some nights, it keeps me awake. My back pain flares up if I stand too long. 

   Though I'm in pain, I'm able to drive myself to the clinic. I love feeling well enough to hang with my roommates and go to church and go to the clinic's Monday night meeting and meet new people. 

   I had dinner at a woman's house from church who was treated by the clinic about 10 years ago. She had mercury poisoning and was very sick. She's healed now. She works and has a family. 

   As I improve and get better, I have started to think about the future and shudder when I remember the past, especially the very recent past. 

   Someone asked me what specifically I am being treated for at the clinic. I couldn't answer her because when I tried to explain what cluster headaches are and how dangerously excruitiating the pain is, I couldn't get the words out. I began to gag and feel nauseous. It's hard to explain, but I was physically unable to dwell in the nightmarish past, even if for a moment. 

   Though I still have pain and feel lousy, I am no l longer that person. I no longer live in constant fear of the next cluster attack. I am slowly becoming unguarded. I am no longer like a wounded animal, unpredictable and vicious. I no longer spend all day wishing for death. 

   This new person I'm becoming is foreign to me. I haven't dreamed about or planned the future in years. It's exciting and scary. It blows my mind when I realize I'm no longer spending 24 hrs a day overwhelmed and consumed with pain. 

   I'm slightly overwhelmed to try to imagine what I will do with all this new time on my hands! Tyler and I could travel and just do things with friends like normal people do. I could get a job and I could have a family. Seriously mind blowing stuff...

   Tomorrow I have a big dentist appointment to remove half of the mercury (amalgam) fillings in my mouth (the other half will be removed in a second appt in two weeks). I feel a little nervous about it.  Luke's driving me to the dentist and then my cousin Nate is driving me to the clinic later in the evening. I need them to drive me because I'm worried I'll be in rough shape after having a bunch of dental work done. 

   I'm debating on how much to divulge regarding the slew of nasty toxic waste that has been coming out of my body... I will have to think about it some more.

   Thank you for the prayers, calls, texts, cards, emails and encouragement. It seriously lifted me out of a very dark few weeks. 

   Onto month #2! Can't believe it!

Feeling Lousy

I have good moments but most of the time I range from feeling like I have a moderate to severe flu. I shiver and twitch uncontrollably then flush with heat and sweating. It feels like my bones are on fire. My muscles cramp and ache. I had a bad migraine on tues but thankfully the Zomig worked and the migraine subsided. My skin has exploded with weird rashes and red bumps. I took a bath of Clorox bleach, salt & zinc yesterday. That's only the most recent wacky treatment, lol. 

My dad came down from Sat thru Wed and helped me a ton. He drove me everywhere and did "dad things" for me like get my oil changed and new wipers etc. 

My hubby is here now! He's here till Mon. 

We are just hanging out at the clinic for a bit in between hotel checkout and my colonic appt at 4. I feel like my intestines are exploding :( Hopefully this colonic will clear out whatever died inside of me so I can feel better.