Muy Bueno

   I'm typing this sitting outside in the backyard, enjoying the brisk 65° weather and drinking mint tea. Tomtom is romping around, guarding the yard from pesky squirrels and massive feral cats. It's so nice to sit and enjoy these moments that are no longer polluted with pain. 

   Lots of good news: I completed four weeks (!) of treatment and I have been feeling much better. Some days I wiped and fatigued and some days I feel manic and full of energy. Some days I have moderate headaches and bad nausea. I have been sleeping much better. My appetite has returned. Some days I wake up with anxiety but overall my mood has drastically improved. It's amazing to not be tormented with headaches all day, every day. I'm no longer panicked and terrified to be alone. I no longer suspect the clinic is trying to kill me, lol. 

   Some minorly bad news: Every day, I do have nerve and muscle pain all over my body. Some nights, it keeps me awake. My back pain flares up if I stand too long. 

   Though I'm in pain, I'm able to drive myself to the clinic. I love feeling well enough to hang with my roommates and go to church and go to the clinic's Monday night meeting and meet new people. 

   I had dinner at a woman's house from church who was treated by the clinic about 10 years ago. She had mercury poisoning and was very sick. She's healed now. She works and has a family. 

   As I improve and get better, I have started to think about the future and shudder when I remember the past, especially the very recent past. 

   Someone asked me what specifically I am being treated for at the clinic. I couldn't answer her because when I tried to explain what cluster headaches are and how dangerously excruitiating the pain is, I couldn't get the words out. I began to gag and feel nauseous. It's hard to explain, but I was physically unable to dwell in the nightmarish past, even if for a moment. 

   Though I still have pain and feel lousy, I am no l longer that person. I no longer live in constant fear of the next cluster attack. I am slowly becoming unguarded. I am no longer like a wounded animal, unpredictable and vicious. I no longer spend all day wishing for death. 

   This new person I'm becoming is foreign to me. I haven't dreamed about or planned the future in years. It's exciting and scary. It blows my mind when I realize I'm no longer spending 24 hrs a day overwhelmed and consumed with pain. 

   I'm slightly overwhelmed to try to imagine what I will do with all this new time on my hands! Tyler and I could travel and just do things with friends like normal people do. I could get a job and I could have a family. Seriously mind blowing stuff...

   Tomorrow I have a big dentist appointment to remove half of the mercury (amalgam) fillings in my mouth (the other half will be removed in a second appt in two weeks). I feel a little nervous about it.  Luke's driving me to the dentist and then my cousin Nate is driving me to the clinic later in the evening. I need them to drive me because I'm worried I'll be in rough shape after having a bunch of dental work done. 

   I'm debating on how much to divulge regarding the slew of nasty toxic waste that has been coming out of my body... I will have to think about it some more.

   Thank you for the prayers, calls, texts, cards, emails and encouragement. It seriously lifted me out of a very dark few weeks. 

   Onto month #2! Can't believe it!