Onward!

Been home for a few months now, it's been a big adjustment after being gone so long. Contrary to my wishes everyone and everything here at home continued on without me, ha.

I grappled with loneliness in my little utopic bubble in TX and here in GA I grapple with darkness. I see it everywhere. People I love have relationship problems, money problems, health problems. A few people have reached out just because they're having daily migraines and don't know what to do. It's been hard to reconcile and process all that I've learned and been through in the face of so much suffering and pain.

Tyler and I are still adjusting and settling too. We spent a long time apart! I literally moved out then moved back in! We are slowly conquering the cluttered chaos that is our home. It's been freeing to purge so many things. A lot of it is wacky gadgets and tools and medical devices, like my massive oxygen tank or my inversion table or scalp massagers or a dozen different ice packs. Feels good to not need it and get rid of it!

During today's purging, I found a stack of old journals. The oldest one had entries from 2007. I used them as logs to write everyday how I felt emotionally and physically and everything I ate. I truly believed the answer to my ails was simple and right under my nose. I believed it was some random ingredient I was eating everyday that was causing me so much daily pain. So I painstakingly journaled and recorded every symptom and every thing I consumed and then would give it to my doctors, desperate for them to solve the mystery.

My heart broke when I read a note in between all the mindless data I'd written from reading a book on "Conquering Depression". It said, "Depression and suffering exist as a reminder for you to stay close to God." I feel sick just retyping that nonsense. I was so lost, so desperate for answers, chasing my tail around and around in a world of pain. I was seeking answers from people and places that told me I needed to be weak and broken to receive salvation. No wonder I was so sick!

I tore up the pain journals and had a little bonfire out back. I meditated on flowing peace and looking only forward as I watched the little flames eat up the pain filled pages. Felt real good.
 
Last week, I had this minor dull ache in my occipital nerves that traveled up into the center of my head. I kept thinking, "Man, this is a bit annoying, what is this ache?? ... DUH this is a headache! I used to feel much worse than this ALL THE TIME. Holy crap." It was a jarring moment to say the least.

Every year, in August I would be miserable from the summer thunderstorms. We were seriously looking into places to move with milder weather. I remember having headaches that would last for FOUR DAYS. I would wind up at the neurologist's office and get an "infusion" (IV cocktail of 5+ drugs)  then onto to ER where they would give me 6+ more drugs. All of this was in addition to the preventative drugs I would take daily and the Botox injections and nerve blocks and trigger point injections I would receive every 3 months. Makes me shudder. I hate remembering all this.

This past week, we had several thunderstorms come through. I got to sit outside with my dogs and watch them roll on by. One day I even pulled on my galoshes and stomped all over town, running errands in the rain, NBD. One year ago, I used to spend stormy days in my dark house, covered in ice packs, popping pills and drinking slushies to induce brain freezes to numb the pain.

Some progress details: I get colonics locally once a week now. I'm trying to reduce the coffee enemas too to just once a day, based on how I feel. I deal with depression and fatigue now mostly. The weight loss has plateaued since I've been back, I wish my body outside reflected more of how I feel inside but weight loss per se, has never been the priority. I am on NO medication for the first time in...15 years? Wow. That alone is THE victory.

I also got a job, but it hasn't started yet. I'm pretty excited about it.

ONWARD!

Exciting News!

Tentatively going home to Athens the weekend of 4/26! Woohoo!

Tyler bought a plane ticket to come get me and drive Tt & I home. Can't wait.

Hair analysis results

I meant to post this yesterday... More good news, lots of improvement. Hope you can read it...

You can see my previous numbers from the initial test in Oct in the boxes below each column:

March update

Sorry friends and fam about only posting once a month now but there's been little change. 

It's difficult for me to blog because it's painful to force myself to sit and analyze and reflect. It's much easier to allow myself to sink into my monotonous routine and not think. 

I'm in a holding pattern. I feel so unhappy here. I wish so badly I could go home, even for a weekend. I don't know when I'll see Tyler next and I don't know when I'll be done here. 

I'm hoping soon. But nothing definite yet. I dream about that day I'll be told, "You're good to go!" I'll probably jump up and just start running home!

There's no doubt that I'm progressing and the treatments are working and I need to be here for the time being, but I struggle greatly with how endless it feels. 

I'm still detoxing a crazy amount of metal and parasites. It's ridiculous how much crap is coming out. 

I hold on to the undeniable progress I've made. When I came here, I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower, walking was out of the question! Just a little over a year ago, the orthopedist was telling me I would need "multiple fusion surgeries" for the back pain. Now Tomtom and I walk a mile almost everyday WITH HILLS. I was having horrible migraines and cluster headaches EVERYDAY. The ER visits were becoming as frequent as every two weeks. It would take 12 drugs to stop the cluster headache. Now I get a migraine about every 10 days (!). If the pain is bad enough, I will take a half dose of Maxalt and it zaps the headache completely within 20 minutes. Crazy. 

I have weaned off of every drug except gabapentin, which was prescribed by the pain doc for the back pain. I'll be off it within two weeks. I have been wracking my brain, trying to remember a time I was NOT on any daily meds... maybe middle school? 

Huck got to go home to GA this weekend, I'm hoping it will be my turn very soon. Fingers crossed. 

 

Update...

It has taken me a few weeks to get settled into my cozy rural respite but I really love it here. The hills, open space, and quiet are very healing for me. There are very few distractions, so it's very easy for me to stay focused on what I need to do to get well. I love taking walks with Tomtom and seeing so many animals: cows and calves, horses, sheep and lambs, goats and kids, burros, chickens, deer, peacocks, guinea hens, cats, dogs...and Tomtom thinks it's his job to bark at all of them, haha. 

I just had a great weekend with family. My parents came in town for Luke's nursing school pinning ceremony. He's done! I'm so proud of him. 

Tyler came in town for a few days, in between client visits. We were so glad to finally see each other after six rough weeks apart. I was so excited to show him around Boerne. He got me set up with a wifi extender in my apartment so I can get some signal. Yay! Six weeks without wifi has been tough, haha! 

Tuffy died about a week ago. She ran away off the clinic property and a man found her under an overpass one exit east in rough shape. She didn't get hit by a car, they think she ate some kind of poison. It's really sad. She was a furry angel. There were many days I would be crying in my car, unable to get out and walk into the colonic building and she would appear and wait for me to open the car door to pet her. Then I would feel a little better and she would slowly walk me up the hill to the building and wait with me inside and even lay on the floor in the treatment room. I don't know how she knew to appear on those really rough days. It's so sad she's gone. 

I'm really hoping I'm in the home stretch here. I'm very ready to be done and go home! I'm hoping that time is coming soon. 

Luke getting pinned!

Some goats in my neighborhood

Some cute fuzzy burrros 

Hanging with the fam in Boerne

Tyler and Tomtom in Boerne

Nickel LOVED Tyler (this is right after he licked Tyler's arm!)

Bye Tuffy. You will be missed. 

I Moved!

Tomtom and I have moved to the hill country! I am renting a little apartment from another patient at the clinic. She built a small studio apartment in her barn. I have one half of the barn and Nickel, the quarter horse has the other half! 

It's been so nice to have my own space, especially a big bathroom all to myself. I can't wait for Tyler to come visit again because he can stay with me. It's a huge relief to know I won't have to move around from place to place when he comes in town anymore.

My mom was in town for a few days. She was a huge help getting me moved in. 

I've had a tough week. I started purging massive amounts of worms and metal and that makes me feel pretty lousy. I ache, I feel anxious and restless, it can be excruciating. I'm scared of being alone during the big flare ups so I've spent a lot of time just hanging out at the clinic. Tomtom and I take walks or just relax on one of the couches. It's a big relief to have somewhere to go to feel relaxed and safe. Right now, Tomtom and I are sitting outside enjoying the sunset. It's a perfect 60°.

It was very cold here Monday and Tuesday. It got below 20° with the wind chill. I was too cold in the barn apartment so I spent those two nights here at the clinic. Tomtom and I crashed on a couch! It's so nice to have some "normal" south Tx weather and get to enjoy the outdoors!

My mom with Nickel

Tomtom with his new buddies

Loving the view