Good and Bad

It has been ROUGH. I have been sicker than a dog. The clinic director finally admitted that this is not normal. She just kept telling me, "Your adrenals are shot. That's why you're so sick." Now they are saying I am detoxing so fast, they are worried about the detox process being detrimental to my body. This clinic prides itself on detoxing people with minimal discomfort but for some reason, for me, it has been hell. Things have gotten so bad, the clinic director AND founder met with me. This is a big deal because the founder no longer treats the clinic's patients because she handed everything over to the director so she could focus on writing and ministry work. 

Through all the pain and violent dry heaving, a lot of good has come. I am trying to focus on all I have to be grateful for as inspired by this video: http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me

Gratitude is life changing. 

I am so grateful I went 6 days without a headache in years. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking care of our "Hurricane Huck". I am so grateful to Grandma Lee for mailing me a heavy juicer. I am so grateful for my roomies who took me, a stranger, in and my little dog. I am so grateful to my bro and sis-in-law for driving me everywhere and helping me get settled and for sitting with me at 3am when I was terrified and hallucinating. I am so grateful for my cousin for driving me to the clinic and taking me grocery shopping. I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who took me in when I was horribly sick and scared to be alone and for driving me to the dentist in rush hour traffic.  I am so grateful to my mom and dad for taking time off to come and take care of me. I am so grateful to my friends and fam whom I miss terribly for the calls, texts, cards and reminding me of what is true and to never give up. 

I am so grateful to my generous sis-in-law who gave Tyler all her freq flier miles so he can come take care of me. 

I am overwhelmed by the support and love. 

I am so grateful for my Superman hubby who mailed me flowers to make me feel more like I am at home. He has been my biggest support and cheerleader. When I wanted to quit, I kept going because I want to get healthy for him. 

This song came on the radio today and made me think of him:

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is something like a mirror
But I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you looking back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song

And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on

So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone

And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home

Just to let you know, you are

You are you are the love of my life <3

Coping

The cleaning frenzy started at 7:30 this A.M. As I wash and scrub all the things, I keep hearing Crazy Eyes' midnight mopping monologue in my head from Orange Is The New Black. 

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt, and I like to clean things. I pretend the dirt is the feelings, and the floor is my mind. That is called coping... You gotta start from the inside out, or else you’ll step on the clean."

Wiped.

I deserve a freakin medal. I have completed 10 days of this torture. Today was my 10th colonic. I have not missed an appointment or treatment and somehow have managed to not drive home and quit. Came pretty close a couple times. 

Snapped this selfie after my colonic and infrared treatment today. For some reason, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror AT ALL these past 10 days. It's been a nightmare and I was probably scared to see the horror on my face. It's hard to see your own face when it's twisted by physical and emotional agony. 

This afternoon I dared to look and was amused and scared by how rough and utterly beaten up I look.

I just want to be able to sleeeeeeeep. I feel irritable and angry. I can't sleep because of nerve pain all over my body. 

I heard this song on the radio while I was "baking" on the infrared heat table and it made me cry:

If it all just happened overnight
You wouldn't know how much it means
If it all just happened overnight
You would never learn to believe in what you cannot see
Oh, what you cannot see. 

Take it a day, a day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Take it a day, a day at a time
No need to hurry, hurry
Take it a day, a day at a time
It won't happen overnight

Have a little faith
Must appreciate
Every single day
Don't give up.

Doing my best to have a little faith and simply not give up. 

Testing Results

Had more great results from the testing today. I'm going to start recording what Melissa says as she reviews the results with me because I'm so scatter brained I can never remember everything she says. So, the summary is, still making progress!

She said my liver toxin levels are as low as they can go (!!) and even better news is my kidney debris levels decreased further, which means the toxins are being released from the liver and NOT depositing into the kidneys (big hooray). 

I am really grappling with intense depression. It's excruciating. I want to do nothing and everything. I'm exhausted and amped. I feel like I want to peel my face off and scream and scream. 

Please pray I can get some sleep. I'm having bad nerve pain into my left leg that's keeping me up.  

We had family dinner over at Mike & AB's tonight. Well, I watched family eat dinner because the nausea and dry heaving hit me again tonight. I was just so happy to be able to just go. It was Luke, Leanna, Nate, Grandpa, and Mom and I. It's a huge comfort for me to be around family when I'm feeling so horribly depressed.

I love sitting outside in Mike's amazing garden and watch the swarms of Monarch butterflies fly by on their way to Mexico for the winter. There's lots of hummingbirds and honey bees buzzing around too. It's so serene. Tomtom loves to romp and run around with Mfupi. The weather is simply perfect. 

Here's a pic of my funny momma at Target today:

Also Tomtom was a lil wild man at the clinic property today. He romped off into the oak forest, boldly exploring. He would NOT be tamed! Here's a link to a Vine I took: https://vine.co/v/hwUqBgjzJtO

Yay For Easier Days

Had a much easier day! I was able to eat some tamales and rice and beans. Mmmm. No dry heaving or nausea. 

I did have a mild-moderate headache all day which made me realize, Whoa--this is my first headache in a week. WHOA.

I sincerely cannot remember the last time I went that long without a headache. It has been at least 5 years. 

I'm eager for tomorrow. I will have another round of urinary and saliva testing before my colonic. Hopefully Melissa will have me start back up on the supplements and this time I'll be able to keep them down. 

I'm tempted to post about the progress I'm making with the colonics...tempted, but it's pretty gnarly stuff coming out. I feel like a toxic waste dump. 

We stopped by Luke and Leanna's place last night. Here's some pics...

The newlyweds <3

Leanna, Mom & Tomtom

Tomtom refused to pose for another pic and pouted. Such a brat. 

Making Progress

...according to my testing yesterday but I am sicksicksick. 

The clinic director (Melissa) was so shocked and happy with my numbers yesterday that she canceled my colonic appt for today (tues) but. . .

then I started throwing up last night and today which is not good. About to go into the clinic after all so hopefully they can provide some relief to this vomitting. 

I am very very dizzy and lightheaded due to low potassium levels. Please pray I do not fall. My back is still hurting badly so please pray it heals. 

Also found out my poor Gpa (Archer) has pneumonia. Pls pray for relief for him too.

I can't see the end to this torture! Why am I doing this again????! 

Doing Better

Had a much easier treatment today. Thankfully Luke went with me and I cried only part of the way there. Luke read Proverbs to me while I laid on the infrared table before my colonic. I like reading Proverbs because they are so simply worded and easy to grasp though I feel super scatter brained. Praying helps a lot too. When I start to feel horrible panic, loneliness and fear swelling, I pray...or blog.  (The clinic calls this "Parasite Personality". It's part of the detox. You feel super bipolar and laugh and cry at the same time for no reason at all.)

Luke and I had fun at coming up with more "current" versions of Proverbs:

"Haters gon hate."

"Mo money mo problems." 😂

My back pain has flared up again. The pain goes into my left hip and quadricep. I'm laying on the hard floor right now trying to stretch it out. I hope it heals quickly because I don't want to be laid up for days and days. I made the difficult decision to defer from my super strict program and take Lortab and Mobic (prescription NSAID) for the pain. If I can't walk, stand, sit, or drive then how can I continue the treatment? I'm trying not to beat my self up about "rebelling" from the program. I weighed the decision to take the drugs heavily and decided this is what is best for my body. 

My momma comes today! Can't wait to have her here!

Here's a link to a short funny video of Tomtom romping with Mfupi:

https://vine.co/v/hHIxUQDvWUO

So done

I want to quit. I want to walk away and just go home. I cried all morning. I cried driving to the clinic. Then I wept and screamed in the car when I arrived. Now I'm crying on the infrared table before my colonic appt at 11. 

Please pray I stay strong. I'm so weak so depressed so homesick. 

Trying trying trying to convince myself this is worth it. 

Friday

Moving again today. I'm moving into Sarah's house where I'll be staying for the remainder of my treatments. Fourth time moving this week. Feeling super anxious but also looking forward to being able to "settle" and stop bouncing from place to place. Also looking forward to getting to know my new roomies Sarah and Amanda better. Tomtom is def looking forward to have a yard to romp in and living in a houseful of ladies, haha. He's going to be the lil man of the house. 

Tyler leaves this afternoon. The creeping feelings of dread haunting me all week have risen to a swell of panic and fear. Please pray for peace and calm to surround me. My mom is coming Sunday to take care of me and I'll have my Tomtom too. 

Readers, what helps you when you're fighting anxiety and fear?

Laugh of the day:

This week at the hotel, when Tom had to go, we would just dangle him out of our first floor window, he'd do his business then climb back in! It was his own little private pee garden, haha. 

Detoxing

In the thick of it. Please pray for relief. 

Most of my supplements. It's a lot. Tyler loaded them all up for me and made me an excel spreadsheet to help me keep track. He's my super-hub. 

Opened my Bible app and this was the "verse of the day". 

**if you have any funny pics or stories, pls send them my way. Laughing helps the pain. 

Last night as Tyler was taking care of me...

Me: Where would I be without you, Hubby??!! (said incredulously and hypothetically)

Ty: Single. 

Made me laugh and laugh!

First Appointment Deets

It was a great first appointment today. I am wiped because it was a bit of an information overload. We had a long consult with the clinic founder, Michele. I had saliva, urine and hair testing done. We got a tour of the grounds and different treatment buildings and bought all the supplements I will need.

From the saliva and urine tests, they already determined I am depleted of minerals, especially calcium thus the cause of the severe depression. I am also "extremely toxic" (high levels of nitrate nitrogens and ammoniacal nitrates) and my urine test revealed I have double the amount of kidney debris I should.

I don't know the hair test results yet. Those results will determine which metal toxicity I have (copper and/or aluminum). I need to have blood work done. The blood test will reveal the state of my kidneys, she is concerned about high levels of creatine and low potassium levels.

Good news is I no longer have to eat gluten free anymore! Just wheat free which is easier. All the other diet restrictions are minor and easy to do except for no cow cheese :( It's just temporary and Michele said I can have goat/sheep milk cheeses within a couple weeks (yay!). The diet philosophy is to eat foods that are simple and easy for my body to digest. It's all very healthy, organic and simple. I have to drink a quart of apple/carrot/celery juice every day. I also have to drink 3 quarts of distilled water a day.

Tomorrow I will have blood work done and my first colonic. Then we have a lot of errands to get done. I need to get a juicer and go grocery shopping and start moving into the room I am renting.

I feel a bit overwhelmed with making the adjustments to follow the treatments prescribed. I have about a dozen supplements to manage. Tyler feels worried about me stopping my antidepressants because when I have quit taking them in the past, my mood has dangerously plummeted. He also worries about me getting a cluster headache. I feel stressed about the steep upfront costs. So far we have spent about a $1000 and I am about to start paying rent. The first two weeks of treatments will be about $800 for colonics and more testing. Michele also recommends I use their hyperbaric oxygen chamber but that is $1000 for ten sessions (eeep!).

Almost forgot--the property is dog friendly so Tomtom is welcome to come with me to my daily appointments! So we'll see how that goes! He has 27 acres to romp around in but I know he'll be on my heels the whole time.

Thank you dear friends and family for the prayers, support and encouragement. I would not be beginning this healing journey without you!

Ready to Change

I had a total meltdown this morning because I was having problems showering because my back hurt so much. Little things like that build up and then I explode into tears with frustration. 

I am ready to heal. I am ready to be well. I am done with the cycles of pain and frustration. 

I am focused on what is AHEAD. 

Please say a prayer for me. I am literally about to walk through the doors of the clinic. I can't help but feel my life is about to change dramatically. It's scary but it's exciting. I feel little twinges of hope growing. Here I go...

Recovering in Austin

It was a loooong trip but we arrived safely and are happy to be in Austin. My back is very stiff and sore from the drive and I hope it will heal quickly so I can see some of the city!

We are staying with friends for one more night before we continue on to San Antonio. Our friends have two sweet little Pomeranians who are slowly warming up to Tomtom. This awkward Pom-Tom trio is so cute and funny!

On Our Way!

We are Texas bound!

The car is packed very full! 

Please pray for us to have safe, pain free travels. We are trying to beat Tropical Storm Karen out of Mobile.